Because of Him

45

          I smiled to myself. "That's good to hear."

          "Like, she set up this dinner with Tyler and his family so she can get to know them. Does that scream Natalie to you?"

          "No, not at all, actually." I chuckled.

          "Right?"

          Nevertheless, Faith was excited for this new change in her mom. Before she hung up, she told me she would invite me over to see her "new and improved" mother, and honestly, I couldn't wait.

❧

          I eventually found a few things to do while I stayed at home.

          I took a much needed shower and painted my fresh nails a nice pastel-ly pink. I finished a book I had been reading for a while and watched a movie released on Netflix that ended up becoming my new favorite.

          Things were fun at first, but after a few hours, everything became boring and it was hard to think of what else to do.

          So instead of doing anything, I decided to just lay and do.. nothing. But, of course, when you're all alone and with nothing to do, you get to thinking. And after thinking, you get to doing.

          That was the one thing I hated about not keeping myself busy. It was inevitable not to think about my mom and dad.

          I swept my bedsheets aside and pushed myself off the bed. Kneeling to the floor, I ducked to search under my bed and spotted what I was looking for right away. I reached for an old Life board game box and pulled it out in one swift motion. Unconsciously, I rose from the ground and sat on the edge of my bed and gently lifted the top of the box, as if I were opening the door to a new world.

          Everything that I owned that had anything to do with my parents I placed in this box after they died. I never really opened it. I never had the strength to. But having told my story to the people who mattered most to me, I felt that maybe I needed to look.

          I first reached for an old arrowhead, which my dad collected. It was in perfect condition and when my dad found it he decided to let me keep it, despite the fact that all the ones he had were chipped or missing sides. I had other things of his, like his favorite baseball cap, his old reading glasses, a little notebook that he took notes in for work—things I had recovered from the fire. From my mom, I kept a pearl necklace that my dad had given her for their first wedding anniversary, and a hairpin with a yellow flower on it. There was also a headband that she would wear when she was cooking or reading and wanted to concentrate. She hated when she needed to focus but had hair in her face.

          What I had least of were pictures. Most of them were destroyed in the fire but I was able to recover one of them. I picked it up and looked at the faces of my parents, ecstatic to have received the keys to their first house. The very house that was destroyed because of me. The keys were in my dad's hand and his arm was wrapped around my mom's shoulders. She was pregnant with me and wore the brightest smile.

          I brought the picture to my chest as my eyes filled with tears, and I dropped my head.

          Most of the time there weren't words to describe the pain of not having my parents here. Sometimes we underestimate the impact they'll have on our lives because we spend every minute with them, living with them. It's when they're gone that we realize we needed them all along and always will.

          I missed the sound of them laughing at each other. I missed my dad's hugs and my mom's soft cheek-kisses.  I missed knowing that although we weren't always together, I could feel their presence wherever they were.