My Monster Mate

Chapter Thirty Four

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Xander's POV

The blue eyes that peer into my green eyes look broken, rather than happy which I was expecting. Pure agony pulls apart her eyes, dragging into her heart. I know this due to my own experiences, my own inner demons. The inner demons that I let have control oh-so-many years ago, my own inner monster that is not capable of loving. The monster that killed the innocent mercilessly, the monster that is ever so slowly being tamed by the petite raven-haired beauty that stands in front of me.

I lovingly loathe the way she makes me feel, that is the catch though, she makes me feel.

Arrogantly, I had thought, that she would just give me information and then I would use her for my own personal pleasures. I remember the look of astonishment as I first slapped her, I remember the sound echoing off the trees, I remember the clenching pain of my heart I had covered up. The same clenching pain grips my heart once again, as I look at her distraught face that she desperately tries to cover up, trying not to show any sign of weakness.

"This is your key?"

Desperation clings to every word, like she is praying I am playing a cruel joke on her. This sends a pain to my heart, I had planned everything to the tee.

"Do you like playing sick and twisted jokes on me?"

Tears stream down her face, tainting over her pale complexion. The cool wind breezes letting the uncut grass tickle our feet. Her waist length wavy hair blows behind her, revealing the mark I forcefully gave her. I break my gaze from the once innocent girl who has been unlucky to fall in my path. The path of my destruction, the path that I have crushed her and her spirit.

I stay silent, not knowing what to say.

"Say something!" Arabella screeches, waving her hands in the air rapidly. She looks up at me, right in the eyes and whispers, "Please."

I had once though that she was weak, but now looking at the girl before me, she is the strongest person I know.

"I don't know," I finally say, " Originally, and I am ashamed of this, but I was playing a joke. But every time a maid told you how many days, I ordered her to report back to me. And every time she would tell me how your eyes would light up with hope. I don't know if it is the mate bond, but I wanted to be the one to give you that hope. The love you have always dreamed of."

I grip at my black hair angrily. I do not know what is happening to the walls I have once built up, but I know they are falling down. Knowing this, I harden my eyes. This girl makes confusion cloud my brain. Her gaze is upon the whipping pole in the middle of the field.

"You want to know what else my mama said?" She says with no emotion. "She also had said that you are a prisoner to your own hatred, and your only freedom is forgiveness."

I quietly ponder this, fully knowing what she means. 

"Then I guess I will remain a prisoner," I state bluntly, my stubbornness gets the better of me.

Arabella turns to look at me once again. "I've seen the scars placed on your body, I've witnessed the scars plaguing your heart. I have matching ones, the ones that you inflicted on me. It is not those scars that make you ugly, Xander."

She saunters over to me and brushes past my shoulder. "Even though I am stuck here, I have no family left, I have no friends left, it is you who I feel sorry for."

Her icy voice makes my arms retract from pulling her towards me. She walks back the way we came, fully knowing it is not the best idea to escape.

I stand in the field until dusk, buried in my thoughts. My wolf has retreated into the back of my mind, leaving me alone. My wolf feels sorrow and confusion, mirroring my own emotions.

I pull at my hair frustratingly, hating the effect she has on me. I sit down on an average size rock near the barn, my back facing the way she left. No one else could make me feel this way. I thought that marking her would break her spirt, not mine. I did not think that the mate bond could melt me away as well. But the thing that is confusing me, is that I can not find myself regretting marking her, and that thought scares me.

The feeling of an empty pit in my stomach makes me confused as well. After killing Rachel and Matthew, I thought I would feel happiness, but all I feel is emptiness. The only thing that could replace this emptiness is love, but that surely will not happen. Her screams and begs poison my thoughts, making me shiver. I have inflicted much more on others, so why is she so different?

I curse up at the darkening sky. I rest my elbows on my knees and bury my head in my hands. I then tiredly run my large hands over my scruff, and a tear slips out of my eye. A feeling that I have not felt in a while comes towards me at full force, helplessness.

"Brother?"

His voice interrupts my thoughts.

"What do you want, Damon?" My hard voice rips the silence around us.

"Thought we could talk," Damon says as he plops down on the ground next to the rock I sit upon.

I warningly growl. "No."

I do not even glimpse at him. Instead, I stare at the ground with my head tucked into my knees, shielding myself with my elbows. Another helpless tear falls from my eye.

"It does not make you weak to show your feelings Xander," Damon says softly while placing a comforting hand on my back. "It makes you strong."

I shrug his hand off my back, acting as if it is vile.

"Why are you here?" I demand coldly, obviously wishing his presence gone.

Ignoring my question he says, "She was the purest, you tainted her. She has sustained so many injuries here. I think you should let her go for a little, for a short while, just-"

"Never!"

My growl ripples through the trees, making the birds dismiss their trees.

He gets up, unaffected from my growl, and leaves me there on the rock pondering. My brother does make a valid point, no matter how much I do not like it. This may be the only decent thing I would have done for my mate. But that leaves me with one question.

Can I?

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