Fıx you {H.S.}

Prologue

Spotify playlist for reading
https://open.spotify.com/user/22xxexlxvq4nw67vcguwkuapa/playlist/4UoKK96ity1dS9uHkArlh3
Or my spotify name is Kaitlynn Patrick Garrett and the playlist is called fix you
Happy reading :)
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When I was little there used to be a park with a swing set by my house. It was just by itself, isolated from the bigger playground a few metres away and it was slightly rusty but it was a magnificent blue color. My dad used to push me when I was on it and I would fly high into the air, kicking my feet around and squealing with laughter and I would hear him laughing behind me. I used to think it was magical because it took me to another place, a happy place. I used to believe I could fly and I would close my eyes and feel the wind running through my hair as I went higher and higher. I was in some sort of limbo when I was swinging on that swing. I was so high from the ground that nothing could hurt me and as I came back down, my dad's hands would always be there to push me back up.

One time dad and I stayed swinging 'till dark and I opened my eyes and saw the dark sky covered in hundreds of stars like someone had just splattered paint all over a canvas. But that night, they were so bright. And as dad pulled me to a stop on the swing, he leant down and told me that when the sky was the darkest, the stars shone their brightest. I asked him why and he said that it was because they knew something good was about to happen, so they had to let everyone know. I asked him if they always did that when something good was about to happen and he nodded and told me always.

We stayed watching the stars for a while and I wondered what was going to happen that was going to be so good. And the next day, I got a prize for having the best artwork at school. I remember running home and telling dad my news and that the stars were right, that something good happened. And he picked me up and spun me around in his arms and told me he knew they were right and that the stars never lie. And we spent the whole afternoon on the swing and I remember feeling so god damned happy. And dad pushed me higher that time and I swore I could touch the clouds and my dad laughed and I laughed and when I came back down, his hands pushed me back up. And I was happy.

My dad died when I was thirteen.

He died in a car accident coming home one stormy night. I remember sleeping when mum woke me up. I remember yelling at her to turn the light off and I told her it was 11 at night and I was tired and she held me so tight that it scared me. I repeatedly asked her what was going on, but she couldn't say anything through her tears. But when she did, I couldn't say anything. I couldn't react. My heart broke and from that night on, I was never the same. My mum was never the same. We both fell into a downward spiral path and life was hard for us.

But then she met someone else, and she picked herself up again. But I was too far down to be able to be fixed. I was a mess. I hated myself, I hated everything and everyone around me. And it got to the point where people tried to help me, but I shut them out. Four twisted years later, I realised that my life was going nowhere. I hated who I had become, the girl that barely ate so that she could be lovely. But I was addicted to that word; lovely. I wrote it all over my mirror and as I slowly started to get thinner and thinner, I would look in the mirror and see myself and then that word and I still wouldn't be satisfied.

I needed someone to help me, but no one did. Everyone gave up. So one night when mum and her new husband, Phil, went out to dinner, I stole Phil's sleeping pills and locked myself in the bathroom. I kept picturing my dad and how I'd see him and how he'd tell me I was lovely and then I pictured the swing and I pictured him pushing me again. I pictured myself flying and I heard his laugh. I pictured myself touching the clouds and the urge to go back to that happy place just got stronger and I poured all the pills onto my hand and picked up my glass of water.

And I was going to do it. I was. But that night, the stars had never been so bright.