We've had such a good first week with Bethany, she's such an easy baby. And to my surprise, I week postpartum and you would never guess that has given birth a week ago. We have for kids under the age of 7, so it'll make for an interesting Christmas but we couldn't be more excited.
Bethany's wrapped up in a sling, asleep on my chest, August, Sophia, and Dante are sitting on the counter waiting expectantly while I mix frosting in 6 separate bowls for six different colors.
I reach over and pull the plain sugar cookies off the cooling rack.
The kids are going to frost them and leave them out for Santa.
For 12 years I hadn't been able to spend a Christmas with the man I loved, and this year I finally get to. I get to spend Christmas with Chris. And our kids. Our daughter is two days shy of a week old, and our son is almost 2 and a 1/2.
August is 2 and a 1/2 and it's December 24th. A week from today is my and Chris's four year anniversary. New Year's Eve. Sherman and Peter were both out of town, Peter, he had gone to visit his parents. They never did like me much. Chris had helped me throw a huge New Years party for the cast. And as tradition says., you're supposed to share a kiss with someone at midnight, so Chris and I did. And after midnight we shared a couple more, and before we knew it, we were in between the sheets. Being kissed by the person you've coveted, the person you've been in love with for 8 years, there's no better feeling. It melts your soul, it changes things inside of you. It fills you with this absolute euphoria that only ends when you stop your bodies from touching.
I'm not proud of the fact that Chris and I cheated on our spouses but it was about love. I don't believe in soulmates or destiny or any of that shit, but I believe with everything in me that Chris and I were made for each other. I didn't believe in love at first sight either, and then I met Chris. The second I laid my eyes on him I was head over heels in love with him. By the end of our first conversation the details of his face, the intensity of his blue eyes, the half smile that always seemed to be lingering on his lips when I was talking, were forever ingrained in my mind. And by the end of our audition I was picturing our wedding, a giant house with a bunch of beautiful babies with dirty blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He was the most ruggedly handsome, yet breathtaking man I'd ever seen. And we were only 18. And now we're 30, with a beautiful apartment, and four gorgeous kids and we're getting married soon. I wasn't too far off, I mean, I thought we'd have all that by 25, but I wouldn't change how we did it.
I like to think that I would have August no matter what, that if Chris and I had gotten married when we were 19, that we would have had August but there's no way to know, and August he's my boy, he's my son, my first child.
"Mama, Mama!" August says, bringing me out of my daze.
I look up and see August with green and red frosting all over his face.
I start to laugh and so does Sophia. I look over and Dante has it all over his hands and his face.
"Baby..." I yell.
Chris comes walking in and immediately starts laughing.
We decorate the cookies with the kids and watch happily as they get along, spending their very first Christmas together.
They finish with the cookies and Chris smiles.
"I think it's time for two little boys to take a bath." He says, tucking both of them under his arms as they giggle.
"Daddy!" They both squeal.
Beth starts to fuss and Sophia has the most concerned look on her face.
I sit down on the couch and unwrap the sling and carefully lay her on the couch while I take my shirt off. I've given up on wearing button up shirts in the house, I have to wear them in public but in the house I just take my shirt off. August, Dante, and Sophia are too little to care and Chris prefers it. I spend 50% of my day topless. I always start with the intention of putting my shirt back on as soon as I'm done nursing but with 3 other kids in the house I always end up running off to do something else before I even realize that I forgot it.
I sit back on the couch with the baby in my arms and she immediately latches. She really is the easiest baby.
Bethany falls asleep while she's nursing. I put her pacifier in her mouth and take her to bed, laying her in her crib.
I walk into the bathroom and see Dante and August playing together in the bathtub. Chris, watching them happily.
I walk into out bedroom and pull on a t-shirt and pajama shorts before going back into the living room with Sophia.
She's sitting in front of the Christmas tree, staring at the lights an ornaments but she looks so incredibly sad.
I sit down next to her and stroke her hair.
"What's wrong baby?" I ask softly.
"Why did she leave us?" She asks.
The conversation was unavoidable but I really didn't think it would happen tonight, without Chris.
"I don't know, baby." I say quietly, pulling her into my lap.
We hadn't told her the latest with Sherman. We had gotten an email that said she would be back to pick them up after school let out in July. She hadn't requested any visitation and Chris's lawyer had gotten him full custody. Merry fucking Christmas to Sherman. She was served yesterday, she no longer has visitation rights. The kids are living with us full time. Even though we haven't told them, somehow, Sophia knows. She just does.
"Is she ever coming back?" She asks quietly.
I can't lie to her.
"No baby, she's not." I say gently.
She doesn't cry, she doesn't make a sound. She buries her face in my chest, clinging to me.
"Can I sleep with you and Daddy tonight?" She asks quietly.
"Of course." I say, kissing the top of her head.
Chris comes out carrying both of the boys who are in their pajamas.
He's holding a book.
He sits down next to us and starts to read. The Night Before Christmas.
When he finishes the boys are asleep and Sophia is yawning.
I kiss both the boys goodnight and he takes them to bed.
I pick Sophia up and we get into bed. She cuddles up to me happily.
Chris gets into bed with us and kisses Sophia and I before settling in and wrapping his arms around both of us.
"Goodnight Mama, goodnight Daddy." Sophia says quietly.
