Safety (A Harry Styles Love Story) [ON HOLD]

14. Then

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            The morning that Harry had to leave for the war was terrible. I don’t think I’d ever cried so hard in my life. When we pulled into the train station I turned to him and begged him one last time not to go.

            He took my hands in his and looked me in the eyes. “Jem. I love you more than anyone else in the entire world.” I continued sobbing but he just wiped my tears away. “Shh, shh, shh… I’ll be back. It’s not a goodbye.”

            “It could be Harry,” I cried. He wrapped me up in his arms in the front seat of his car.

            “Jemma… shh, calm down…”

            My tears were getting his collar wet but he didn’t seem to care.

            “I will think of you every minute of every day. I need to do this.” I felt his hand scrunch the back of my hair, just the way he knew I loved.

            I just shook my head.

            “Yes baby, I need to, I want to…” Harry rubbed my back.

            “I don’t want to find out you’re not coming home…” I whimpered. “I swear if I do I’d kill myself to be with you.”

            “No Jemma, no…” he whispered. “You won’t do that promise me you won’t do that. I’ll keep myself safe. That means you have to keep yourself safe.” He pulled back and wiped my cheeks. “I love you so much…”

            “Don’t do this,” I tried one last time.

            He kissed me. “I wouldn’t have gotten this far if I didn’t think I needed to.”

            “Harry,” I whimpered, shaking my head.

            “Jemma, I have one last question for you. You need to calm down…”

            I tried hard to steady my breathing and I nodded my head. He opened the glove compartment in between the two seats and took out a small box. I put my hand over my mouth. My tears started up again.

            “Jemma,” he said with a smile. He wiped away my tears with his thumbs. “Jemma Annalise Scott, will you marry me?” He opened the box and I cried even harder. I nodded and gave him my left ring finger where he slipped the ring on. He hugged me tight. “This is a promise to hold on until I come home for good.”

            “Harry,” I whimpered over his shoulder.

            “We’ll get married once I get home, okay? Promise me you won’t lose hope.”

            “No, I never will,” I choked out. He pulled back and held my face in his hands as he kissed me again.

            “I love you so much,” he whispered, kissing me over and over again. I accepted them more than willingly since they were the last ones I was going to get in a while. “I have to go get on the train. You need to come with me.”

            I nodded and we both got out of his car. He grabbed his single tan bag from the backseat and slung it over his shoulder. I took my hand and I tried to compose myself as we walked up to the boarding dock.

            I realized I wasn’t alone with all the crying. Plenty of other women were bawling and begging their lovers not to go. Harry checked his train car number and I walked down the platform with him. He didn’t get on the train until the whistle sounded. The conductors stepped out and called for all the men and women joining the army to get on the train.

            Harry leaned down and kissed me for a long time. He held up my left hand. “I will always love you,” he told me softly once he pulled away. “Jemma.”

            I put my hand over my mouth, not being able to say anything. I swallowed hard and nodded. I felt like my legs were going to give out when he squeezed my hand goodbye one last time and boarded the train. I walked backwards and leaned up against the wall. Harry found a window seat and he mouthed I love you to me as the rest of the men and women joining the war boarded the train.

            I wanted to run after it once it lurched forward and started to pick up speed. My stomach tied up into knots and I couldn’t move. I watched as the train sped up and stayed until it was completely out of sight.

            I didn’t start my drive home for another hour because I was crying too hard in the front seat of Harry’s Range Rover. I crossed my arms over the steering wheel and cried into them. I honestly felt like I was going to throw up I was crying so hard. That was the last time I was going to see him in a while.

            Once I managed to drive myself back home, I walked into our bedroom and changed into Harry’s clothes before I curled up in our bed and cried my eyes out again.

            I started to realize after a couple days that Harry was actually gone. I wasn’t going to see him for god knows how long. I just felt numb. At work I mindlessly helped people find their books and worked at the cash register. I felt like the world around me was moving but I was stuck in time.

            I cried a lot. I’d forgotten what it felt like to not have anyone else in my apartment. I’d forgotten what it felt like to eat dinner alone at night, sitting in my usual spot and picturing Harry next to me. I’d forgotten what it felt like to go to sleep alone at night. To wake up alone and not have anyone to kiss good morning. To not have anyone to wrap their arms around your waist while you were in the kitchen making coffee and breakfast.

            It was so bizarre being alone all of a sudden. I felt myself going about my day, but I didn’t really feel myself. I was just taking up space, barely talking and just breathing. Using up oxygen. All I could manage to do was think about Harry.

            And to be honest, that was the only thing I really wanted to do.

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