He Was My Cousin

Chapter 35

Sobrang mema.

Chapter 35
Platonic

"Si Paolo pa rin, hindi ba? That's why you're making all these excuses! Hanggang ngayon, siya pa rin... siya lang, hindi ba?"

Napahawak ako sa braso kong hinigit ni Jiro nang sabihin niya 'yun. It was probably the only time in this lifetime – intentional or not – that he ever used his hands to hurt me. Still, I couldn't blame him.

It has been weeks since it happened. It has been weeks since I came home alone from that trip. Ngunit hanggang ngayon ay nakatatak pa rin sa puso't isip ko ang bawat salitang namutawi mula sa bibig niya, bawat pagkunot ng noo niya, bawat pilit pagtanggi niya sa kung ano ang nangyayari. At kasabay no'n ay parang gusto ko na lang sabihing baliwalain niya iyong sinabi ko. That I was wrong. That I want to be with him, still.

"Aya, speak up! Everything's fine! Pero bakit biglang ganito? Saan may mali? Saan... Saan ako nagkulang?"

I could feel my chest tightening again as though all of it had happened just moments ago. Tandang-tanda ko ang gulat sa kanyang mukha nang sabihin kong maghiwalay na kami. Na tama na. Na hanggang doon na lang. It was the least thing he expected to hear from me that day... because we were too happy. We went to the beach; we hiked. We even kissed in the summit.

I could remember clearly the shock, the questioning eyes, the pain and the hint of the shot of betrayal etched on his face... and then the anger. Again, I couldn't blame him.

I tried to come out clean to him. I am likely to believe I have been very honest to him as I told him my reasons as to why I came up with that decision. He didn't believe any of it. Instead, he was trying to pull another man back into the picture, telling me that man was the reason we were breaking up.

It hurt like hell. Dahil malaking sampal iyon sa akin. It was a proof that I have failed miserably – that after over a year of being together, he still hasn't gotten rid of the insecurity from my past relationship. Na hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin siya naniniwalang mahal ko siya. That I love him for all that he was. Not anyone else.

It's absurd, I know, to want to validate my love for him when I was in fact breaking up with him, but I just didn't want him to think something so real was a lie.

Yes, oo, siguro nga. Ako pa rin 'yung Aya na hindi kayang sumugal hanggang dulo. I am still the girl who'd choose to break up than to take our chances and just end up falling apart at one point in the future. Especially with marriage in picture, could I just turn a blind eye on our differences? Hoping everything will work along the way? I don't think I can risk that much.

A part of me wanted to think I'd regret all these... that at thirty something I'd be looking back to that day I broke up with him, regretting breaking up with him, regretting not waiting for his proposal so I could say yes... but then again, the last time I played it safe, everything changed for the better.

And I did not regret any bit of it.

"Tita Aya, are you okay?" Nabalik na lang ako sa ulirat ko nang tumabi sa akin si Danica habang hawak-hawak ang baby doll niya.

"O-of course I am!" was my immediate reply which sounded a bit more defensive than I intended it to be.

Kumunot ang noo niya habang nakatingala sa akin. "Para po kasing ang lalim ng iniisip niyo..."

I smiled at Ricci and Nico's six year-old daughter. "Don't mind Tita Aya and just play, Nics. I'm perfectly fine."

"If you say so, Tita..." she said hesitantly.

"Can I help you with anything?" I asked endearingly. "Should we change her clothes?" alok ko, tinutukoy iyong baby doll niya.

Bumalandra ang malapad na ngiti sa mga labi niya. She got the box with the baby doll's set of clothes and handed it to me.