Who am I?

Chapter 19.

After the show we dropped Ray off at the coffee shop and headed home, where Vanessa was waiting up for us.

"Lin, Marti, I have some good-ish news. And I say good-ish because it my make you nervous, but you have no reason to be. We have a meeting date with the Abbots and their lawyers. Now, before you panic. There is hardly any reason to be nervous. We have a solid case against them, and we can also sue for emotional abuse after we gain custody." Vanessa smiled sweetly, putting her hand on my shoulder, it was almost as if she could feel my tension.

"We have to drive all the way to Darien tomorrow, so we won't have a lot of time to do anything but eat lunch when we get there then go to the meeting." She said, more to Lin now than to me

"Sleep well Marti." Lin kissed my cheek and pushed me into my room, "We will be fine. Just sleep."

The drive to Darien was a total blur. I had slight tunnel vision and the ringing in my ears made it hard for me to focus on anything but the quick moving yellow paint on the road. I knew Lin and Vanessa were trying to talk to me but I couldn't open my mouth for the fear that I would either throw up or cry.

The three of us were sitting across a long table with my parents and their lawyer across from us. The judge was sitting at the head, creating a much needed wall between our two sides. The tension in the room was tangible and made me want to throw up the lunch that Lin and Vanessa forced me to choke down a couple of hours ago. This was it, this was where the final decision on whether or not the trial was actually going to happen was made. This could either end with the unlikely chance that the Mirandas and Abbots make an agreement, or they fight each other to the very end of the case. I wasn't sure what I wanted. I really did not want to go back to my old family, but I didn't want to have the off chance that they win.

I started tapping out a silent beat with my hands on the table, the sound echoing across the room. I continued tapping until I felt a hand land on top of mine, stopping movement. I followed the hand up to Lin's kind face, gazing at me in comfort, his eyes telling a whole story that calmed me more than any words could. He let go of my hand after giving it a light squeeze, and I pulled them into my lap, starting to bounce leg my softly, needed some sort of movement to keep my grounded. I looked up at the judge when I heard rise from his seat, his robe swishing from the air change.

"Welcome families, this meeting has been brought together to address your plan for the case. In this meeting you will debate possible agreements. If you decide that those will not work you will bring forth your evidence and we will decide a final court date." His booming voice sounded so much louder to me than I guess it should have been, bouncing around in my head like a ping pong ball chucked against a wall in frustration. "Now if you would please state you preferred agreement then we can begin."

I leaned back in my chair, blocking out the noise around me, preferring to stare at the ceiling. It was a very interesting ceiling, with painted wooden pieces compared to the normal tiles that seem to be in every office building. These seemed much more interesting and different. I wondering if it was possible to compare each different court case to the knots in the wood. The big hollow ones for abuse cases, the light full ones for domestic divorces, and then the long veins for things that have to do with money. If you could compare cases to the wood then what would ours be? It wasn't as dark and twisty as a normal abuse case, if that is even a thing, but it definitely wasn't as peaceful as a divorce or money case. I guess it was just a mix of everything. I was separating from the emotional abuse, divorcing my old life, and trying to get out of my parent's scheme for money.

"Marti, honey you okay?" I looked back down to see Vanessa staring at me in concern, she had a stack of papers in front of her along with my parent's lawyer. I guess that means that they decided to go on with the case.

"Oh um yeah, I'm... I'm fine" It was barley a whisper, but it was there. She smiled down at me, and rubbing a comforting hand along my shoulder, before proceeding to bring up the evidence. I tried to pay attention to what happened next, I really did, but it all just seemed to blur into one bad moment that I wish to erase from my memories. I finally was able to tune in and pay attention at the very end when an intense amount of yelling brought me out of my head.

"They still have legal custody over her, which means that by law she has to stay with them until the court case." The lawyer yelled at Vanessa from across the table, I felt as if everything around me was moving too slow and too quickly all at once. Everything was so loud that is was just white noise in the background. I vaguely remember hearing Lin get up and start yelling, and all I could do was grab onto his sweater sleeve, grasping on like it was the only thing grounding me to earth, and it was. He was the only thing grounding me, and just barely. I felt as if the floor had fallen from beneath me and the walls were closing in, forcing me in and down while I was being thrown up from my emotions. It was quick, how I stopped breathing and started to breathe too fast. Everything got too blurry and too clear. Everything was just too much and too little. Everything was just fucked up. I knew that this was bad, that I needed to calm down, but I couldn't, I couldn't calm down knowing that I had to leave my father, my papa, my real dad. I couldn't breath knowing that I was about to walk away with no sure fact of me every walking back again. I just couldn't.

I felt someone grab my shoulders and pull me from the room. I felt someone pull me into a hug. I felt loving arms wrap around me. Yet I didn't feel any of that, I was still back in that room watching as the Miranda's fought with everything they had to keep me with them. I was back in that room watching myself count the ceiling knots. I was back before it all started.

I heard someone start to say my name over and over again followed by soothing Spanish. I heard someone tell me everything was going to be okay, yet I didn't hear any of that either. I was back in that room, listening to Lin grasp at any possible thing to keep me with them. To keep me with him. I heard the opposing lawyer announcing the current custody. I heard all of my hope and sanity slip away. I heard it slip away faster than Lin was to fight, faster than Hamilton was to fight.

I felt and heard everything yet nothing at all, until I heard the familiar tune. Everything was white noise too loud and yet also too quiet until the soothing lyrics slipped into my brain. I heard the familiar voice whisper them to me in my ear. I felt the comforting hand stroke my hair. I felt the loving arms wrapped around me.

"Dear Theodosia what to say to you," His soft voice slipped through my panicked veil, "We'll bleed and fight for you, sometimes that's all we ever do."

I slowly allowed myself to fall into his arms crying. Sobbing. Crying one word over and over again. One word that I never thought I would say with love. Or say at all. One word that I never thought I would have the honor to say to such an amazing person. One word that I never thought I would say with truly meaning it. I cried it out into the shoulder of my rock. I cried it out loud enough for everyone to know. I wanted everyone to know.

"Papa."