A Recipe for Evil

Numb

**trigger warning: there's self-harming in this chapter.**

"If people can't deal with their problems, they numb themselves a little bit." Kevin Nealon

Amy knows no more pain but she knows no more joy either. It seems as though everything has lost its meaning. Sometimes in the middle of the night, after turning and tossing in her bed for countless hours, she gets up, walk to the bathroom, takes a razor blade, lifts her pyjama shirt, and cuts herself

Feel something.

That's all she wants. She wants to feel, to feel again because she doesn't know  how to feel anymore.

At first, she grazes her stomach with her fingers. Then, she presses the cold metal against the pale surface. Her eyes grow wide as small lines of blood appear on her skin. Tears prickle her eyes but she feels no pain. No pain or maybe she feels too much pain. She can't tell anymore.

She has become numb. The only thing she knows she can feel is hate. It's there, in the blood tainting the wet clothe she presses against her skin.

Myriam and Amy are now in speaking terms. It seems that popularity was the key to winning the brunette's respect.

Now she acknowledges her existence with a brief head nod in her direction when she crosses her way.

When they were alone, she sometimes stop and exchanges a few words with her.

There is also that one time where Amy is almost going under a panic attack because she can't find her pencils and Myriam comes to her rescue by lending her one of hers. They share an awkward smile afterwards and the aspiring actress is too stunned to be able to concentrate on her math test. She glances a few times in the raven beauty's direction, trying to figure out what is going on. The teacher had glares at her.

"If someone is caught cheating that person will have a zero,"  he tells her.

Clarisse too seems to interact more and more often with her old friend since the talk they had after cheerleading practice. Amy has noticed that they would still speak to one another from time to time. Sometimes they even sit together in class.

Without turning into a social butterfly, Myriam is obviously becoming more socially active. She is not happy but she seems less depressed which is something Amy can't stand. It seems to her that it is not fair that the other brunette can recover of her pain when she can't.

Kelly and Meredith's presence seems to be getting more unbearable with time which has to be an exploit. Amy block out all of their conversations. merely nodding when they pause to take their breath. They are uninteresting, boring, annoying, and even frustrating. Their voices sound like the ones of crows screaming above people's head as they fly by with their gossips.

"You shouldn't hang out with them," Myriam tells her one time she applies lip-gloss on her lips in front one of the restroom's mirrors. Amy knew where to find her since she is always applying makeup or fixing her hair after class. She followed her there and sparked a conversation about her minions. "They're annoying as fuck."

The dark haired beauty turns towards her with a slight smile dancing on her lips. One of her eyebrows is raised as though she is waiting to be challenged. Amy isn't able to hold back a chuckle. Somehow, it seems funnier when the other girl's cruelty is directed towards people she disliked as well. Myriam had snorts proudly in response and lightly brushes Amy's forearm in what almost seems like a friendly gesture.

"See you in cheer!" She throws over her shoulder before leaving the room.

Louis, on the other hand, is completely ignoring her. When she passes by him, he looks in the opposite way. She tries to have a conversation with him a couple of time. She stops him one day, in the middle of the hallway, taking him by surprise, and drags him into a classroom.

"Why are you being awkward like this whenever you see me?"

He fidgets like a child. He always does when he feels uncomfortable.

"I just want-I want my Amy back," he says with uneasiness.

"I am Amy," she replies to him.

"I want the old Amy, the one with the colorful clothes whose passion is to act, not to be popular. I know she's there under that cheerleading uniform." He said in one breath. "I miss her. We all miss her."

"Who misses her?" She feels angry. "This week, for the first time, Clarisse smiled at me. I went shopping with a few girls from the cheerleading theme. Two guys asked me on a date. Who misses me Louis? Who? You? Let me laugh! Why did you leave me if you liked me so much?"

"Amy! You know it's not-"

She storms out of the room before hearing the end of the sentence. Tears are pouring down her cheeks. Nothing makes sense anymore. She is popular. She isn't supposed to feel sad or angry. She is supposed to be happy. Even though it isn't something she does as regularly as she used to, she runs towards the auditorium, picks up the saddest monologue she knows, and acts her pain on stage until she cries and cries for what seems eternity.

"Hey!" A small voice interrupts her pathetic performance.

Amy wipes her tears and turns to find Melissa standing in the doorway.

"Are you crying?" The tall blonde asks her softly.

"No…" the aspiring actress replies shakily.

"Oh! You're just like Mimi. You don't like when people know what you're feeling." Melissa exclaims with a large smile. "It's so adorable!"

"I'm nothing like Myriam!" Amy spits viciously.

"Well, you could pass up for her from a faraway distance. That's why I came closer actually, I thought you were Mimi but then I remembered she doesn't come here anymore so it didn't make any sense."

Amy huffs.

"I thought you two weren't speaking anymore."

Melissa lowers her gaze. She opens and closes her mouth a few times. Her features turn into a frown and her arms cross over her chest.

"You're right. That's why I was just planning on watching her." The words seems to catch in her throat. "She doesn't want to speak with me. She's mad at me."

Amy can't help it. When she hears the hurt in Melissa's voice, she gets off the stage and walks up to the girl. All of her pain has left, now replaced by an obsessive curiosity.

"Why?" She whispers eagerly. "Why is she mad at you?"

"I don't know. She just-" Melissa takes a deep breath. "She doesn't want to talk about it so I don't know and it's kind of suck 'cause she's my best friend and I care about her, you know?"

Amy sighs and nods, turning towards the door to leave.

"I know she talks to you now,'' Melissa says from behind her. "Did she say anything about me?"

For a moment, the young actress contemplates telling the poor girl the truth. Of course, Myriam doesn't speak of her but, every time Melissa isn't looking, dark brown eyes set on her, screaming desperately to be loved.

"She needs time!" She could have said but she didn't.

"She's lost without you," someone else would have said but Amy didn't.

Instead, she gave her an apologetic smile.

"No, I'm sorry, she didn't."