Falling for the Bad Guy (Leonard Snart Fanfic)

Chapter 4: Depression and Selfharm

*TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD!*

(Luna's Pov)

Ya know the thing about depression is that you're so exhausted and wanna sleep but your mind is so awake and constantly moving and talking that you can't? That's how I feel right now...at 3am...again...it seemed my brain hates me so much to the point it's waking me up in the middle of the night and wanting to ruin me from the inside out...

The brain is a fascinating yet damaging thing. It destroys you so much and sucks even more when you've been through so much trauma that hasn't been dealt with, it always loves coming back to haunt you when you're at your lowest...also loves reminding you of what you lost and what you think of yourself...

It loves to beat you down and destroy you and keep you from getting or receiving help. It loves making you suffer and keeping you awake at night when all you want to do is sleep and make the pain go away but it prevents you from doing so...

My brain is like a monster...it's always with me and doesn't leave no matter what I do, even if I remotely try and feel happy it's always there...watching...listening and following my every move...it never leaves, it loves causing more pain and making it seem like everything is your fault and that you're a failure...and you can only handle the pain for so long until one day...you explode...or just go numb...

Well...that's where I'm at...numb...I don't feel anything, I don't feel like doing anything...it's just nothing...I am nothing...I blinked slowly seeing the sky slowly turning bright blue and the sun slowly setting...I sat up and sighed as I grabbed my phone and took off my phone case seeing a sharp pencil sharpener blade...

This is what happens when you go numb...you'd do anything to feel something, to do anything to make it all just stop and well...this has been my only coping mechanism for 7 years...I lifted up my arm sleeve seeing faded white scars...I haven't done this in quite a while but I guess the monster caught up huh? I guess it won again...I can't fight off urges...never been able to...I'm just not as strong as people claim me to be...I'm nothing but a weak, pathetic failure...

I sighed as I didn't hesitate to swipe the blade across my skin, I felt my heart race then slowly decrease with each cut I did. I sucked in a deep breath and sighed as the blood poured from my wrists. I closed my eyes and sat there just letting it all out through my cuts.

After a few minutes, I got up being careful not to drip blood everywhere and headed to my bathroom. I turned on the bath water and decided to take a bath because why not? It's only 5am, I don't go to work for another 3 hours...When the bath filled up, I hopped out of my clothes and put them in the laundry basket seeing as I got blood all over them.

I sighed as I hopped in and let out a sigh as the hot water felt nice. I took a deep breath and put my cut wrist in the water and hissed as the hot water also stung. I breathed heavily and sighed as I leaned back and slowly closed my eyes just letting the water soothe me.

I hummed softly and sighed "I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
Not what you'd think
And if I'm being honest

It might've been a nightmare
To anyone who might care
Thought I could fly
So I stepped off the Golden, mm
Nobody cried
Nobody even noticed
I saw them standing right there
Kinda thought they might care

I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
But when I wake up, I see
You with me

And you say, "As long as I'm here
No one can hurt you
Don't wanna lie here
But you can learn to
If I could change
The way that you see yourself
You wouldn't wonder why you hear
They don't deserve you" I sang softly and sighed as I wish I could cry but I can't...I don't feel anything...and yet I can't skip work today but I'm not sure I can fake a smile...