Oh, I feel a headache coming on.
"So Nor kept you and I kept Genevieve."
"You mean, your parents kept Genevieve."
He frowns at that. "Yeah. Like I said, I was in no position to take care of-"
"You said you couldn't keep two. Why would you agree to keep one if you knew you didn't want that either?"
"I didn't agree to anything." He looks up sharply, struggling with something. "My parents...made the decision that I would keep one child and Nora would keep the other. Neither of us had any experience with that sort of thing, so we just listened to whatever my parents said." His lips settle into a frown. "Look, I never said I was perfect."
"Clearly. Neither was my mom, but...she didn't pretend like I never existed."
"I don't doubt it," he says easily, seemingly not offended by my words. "She was strong-willed, determined and what-not. It was definitely one of the things that drew me to her in the first place." He seems to be lost in a memory and if I didn't know any better, I'd say he still had feelings for my mom.
"I just don't understand...why neither one of you tried to see the other child," I say. This has been one of the things that's bothered me most about this whole situation.
He swallows, maintaining eye contact with the table. Well this can't be good. "Like I said before, I wasn't perfect. And along with that, I was selfish. I couldn't bring myself to fully sacrifice my life- even though I was the one who got myself into the situation. My parents had more than enough money and time and they were taking care of Genevieve, which meant that I could continue to go out, party, focus on my school work and soccer, and just...be a college kid. And your mother and two kids didn't fit into that. I just, I wasn't interested at the time...in getting to know you. I just...I didn't care."
"And as you girls got older, I tried- I did. But your mom was so mad at me, I think because it didn't work out for us- like, I didn't sweep her off of her feet or whatever and be the guy that she was gonna spend the rest of her life with. She was so mad that I didn't put more effort in, that she decided I'd never get to know you. And so I stopped trying again, and then started up when I figured you would have went away to college and your mom wouldn't have too much say in what you were doing anymore. But I didn't have too much luck, until recently." He shakes his head. "But little did I know, your sister was ten steps ahead of me."
I wince. You asked for the whole truth, Charlie. Damn it to hell. I bring my eyes to the table, feeling my lower lids line with tears, the thought that I just wasn't worth my own father's time actually sinking in. And how many parallels I can draw between my parent's lives and mine...it's kind of sickening.
"Charlie..." he whispers once more, leaning over to cover my hand in his own. "I'm sorry, I know-"
"That's...that's really fucked up," I choke out. "You didn't even think about how that would make me feel. I needed that relationship with you, especially as I got older. My mom was around when she wasn't out busting her ass to make sure that we were alright, sure, but it wasn't enough. She couldn't be there all the time, not when-" I sniffle. "Not when the kids were making fun of me and I came home everyday feeling worthless and sometimes feeling like the world would be better off without me and-"
Before I can finish, he's on my side of the table, enveloping me in his arms and I allow myself to just let him hold me as I cry. Hell, I'm definitely buying into this whole not having my dad around thing being the source of my adult problems.
"I'm so sorry, Charlie. So sorry," he whispers into my ear, and I know we look pretty ridiculous in the middle of a fricking coffee shop. But I can't really help it, ya know? "I hope you can find it within yourself to forgive me and allow me to make all of this up to you."
Chapter 55
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