He was the one who showed me I could somehow be loved
A journey inside the mind of Christian as he navigates his emotional understanding with a boy he likes. Is everything sunshine and rainbows? Or will Christian find out that tough love, is no...
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Knowing. People often forget the power in that word. The strength of knowledge and acknowledgement and the relentless, beautiful sense of madness it contains. What does it mean to know when you're in love? How do you know when they like you- let alone love you, back?
Questions like that sometimes are both easy and hard to answer. Kind of like the question, "Why do I even like this person?" And you can't answer it because you're not entirely sure on the answer yourself. Failing to accomplish the task and goals you set out for yourself throughout the week. Not focused in class or your job because he continues to endlessly run full speed through your mind as if he's in a relay race with your priorities. Scrolling through the internet going on 12am at night, trying to figure out ways to dream about someone again. Because you know it is only in your dreams that you can find that spark that you want. That's the fun of it.
The knowing and the unknown. Both mysteries of man. Just like him. With a little exaggeration and convincing, I could say that I didn't know the person that I grew up with. In that sense he was a mystery. Why did he make me feel like I needed him? Now!? Of all the time we've spent together, why now? What was it about him, that I had to keep convincing myself to hold back from giving in to him?
Why did he laugh at his friends jokes but look all the way across the room to show me that same smile the way that he did?
I was sitting at a lunch table with Shae. Not ignoring her but not really paying her conversation any mind either. I played in the slop the state of Kentucky called food. It actually wasn't slop, it looked as if it were to be cooked in the kitchen of the lunch ladies but it definitely tasted as if it were processed in cans.
"What're you over there thinking about?" Shae had finally noticed that I wasn't listening to her.
"Nothing." I lied. She had seen where my eyes kept finding themselves across the room. I looked down at my food and heard her huff when she put two and two together.
"Maybe we should find you someone we already know is gay." I shot her a death stare from looking down at my plate, "What about Derrick?" I blankly stared at her because I thought she was trying to make a joke.
"Bitch are you trying to be funny?"
She laughed thinking I was joking, when she shouldn't have because I was being very serious. "What's wrong with Derrick?"
"Do you see him?" We both glanced over to where he was sitting. He had his extra long eye lashes on with his purse and diamond crusted pink nails on. I don't have a problem with Derrick at all or anyone who wants to do that. It wouldn't be progressive for the gay community to be un-accepting of my own kind. But I'm a bottom who already has feminine tendencies. I don't need someone who is more concerned about being prettier than me.
