Post Mockingjay

Chapter 4

When I arrive back home, I step into the kitchen. There will be no getting back to sleep. I throw away the note I wrote to Peeta, seeing that he stayed asleep. I sit on the couch and begin to debate what to do next. How do I tell Peeta I am pregnant? Do I tell him about Gale? This is all very confusing because Peeta is the one I am used to discussing this all with. I decide to tell him about Gale for now. I think he would be hurt if he found out and knew I hadn't told him. This I can handle. Well, I can handle telling Peeta about it.

 I look down at my stomach. It has not grown yet, as I am only a month along, but I can already feel the hardening of my belly. I think I remember this is one of the signs of a pregnancy. Then there is the morning sickness- when does that start? Mood swings, cravings, and more do not seem like fun things to haunt me the next 8 months, but I can live with these. What I am not sure I can live with is the fear. Again it racks my body as I see terrible images and hear children scream.

This news and Gale's presence bring Prim back into my head. As I see here burst into flames behind my eyelids I begin to sob. I do not realize until Peeta is holding me again that I have been sobbing. It must have been quite loudly if Peeta had heard me from upstairs, or possibly he had woken up before. I turn into his arms and cry into his chest. His arms are warm and strong. They are exactly what I need. He is murmuring to me and stroking my hair. After a while, I finally calm down and he hands me the box of tissues. I wipe my eyes and look into his. Those blue eyes are filled with worry.

"Katniss, are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" He asks me. Do I? No, I want to say, but decide against it. That would upset him more than he already is.

"Oh, Peeta, after my nightmare I went outside for some air. And I saw him. I saw Gale." I tell him. Of course, this is not the whole truth, but he will understand one reason for my tears. One simple name that I thought I have been healed from, but has now opened like a fresh wound. 

"Why was he here?" He asks me.

"Some business work with the military, I am not certian." I say. Peeta, who is normally so good with words, looks unsure of what to say. He knows my mix of feelings that go along with Gale. What he must not know is how I feel about Gale's presence. 

"Well..." he begins, clicking his tongue, "what do you want to do?" He asks me.

"I don't know. I want to have never seen him, but that can't happen. Do you think I should talk to him? He asked me to talk to him tomorrow. He wants to fix things, I guess. I told him okay because I didn't know what to say, Did I do the wrong thing? I'm worried, Peeta. When I see him...I think of...her" I tell him. Peeta understands. His blue eyes study me as I look up to him waiting for a response. I wonder if Peeta think it odd that I am so upset over this, or if he suspects that there is something else. 

"I think it would be impossible for you to not talk. That would make things worse. Now, if you talk, you can mend up some of the hurting you both have. If he upsets you too much, you can leave. I would stay here, but I have a feeling you would prefer me gone for this. It is going to be okay, Katniss. We always make it through, you and I. Remember, I love you and you love me. Together we can figure it out. So, go, talk to him, and then you can decide where to go from there."

Hearing this, I sigh a breath of relief. Peeta really does always know what to say. I almost want to tell help the main reason for my tears, but something stops me again. I am not ready to accept the fact I am pregnant yet. Thinking those words reminds me of when I was 17 and going to my 2nd Hunger Games and Peeta told all of Panem I was pregnant. Of course it was a lie, but now it is not. 15 years have passed almost, and now I really am. 15 years and I am still completely not ready for motherhood.

 "Thank you, Peeta. You always help me make decisions. I am so happy I have you." I tell him.

He is still holding me in his arms, and when I kiss him, just for a moment all my anxiety passes away.