Post Mockingjay

Welcome, Welcome. The time has come to- Oh wait, wrong story. This is Post Mocking Jay. I am going to go back and write what happened before this, but this part starts about when Katniss finds out she is pregnant. I am naming this post mockingjay since it will no be complete. I would have this on fanfiction.net but it won't let me log on. Not sure why. When I post this with a new title, I am going back to before. I just am inspired for this part right now. 

Anyways, here we go!

I am a despicable person. I am selfish. I am terrible. Yet, I can do nothing about it. I could try, but what are actions without meaning behind them? Nothing. And this is an action that cannot be taken lightly. I cannot simply bring a child into this world. The thought is detestable to me, but Peeta wants children badly. 

Of course, He tells me he doesn't now. After he realized how badly I feared even the idea, he stopped pressing the idea, but I know the truth. 

I have never deserved Peeta. Not once in my life. Especially now that I cannot give him the one thing he has ever asked of me. Why did he have to ask this though? I think back to the days before the games. Even then I swore I would never have children. 

Peeta told me not to worry. There are no Hunger Games, the Capitol is gone. What do I have to fear? I have so much to fear. I cannot bear to put someone through the pain I faced. I cannot bear to love another person- what if they were taken from me? There are too many what ifs, too many cons that outweight the pros. 

I look over at Peeta as he bakes. I am sitting at the table in the kitchen. He looks back at me and smiles. I smile back at him. He always says that I have no idea the effect I can have, but I am certian the effect he has on me is much greater. Unfortunatley, that is not enough to break me of my selfish choices. I do not know how this man can bear to love me. He has for so long. He has loved me through everything. Always. And I love him too. But love means sacrifice, so I must not show love very well.

Suddenly the guilt of what I forbidden him from hits me. Peeta must see my discomfort because he is immediatly asking me what is wrong.

"I'm so sorry, Peeta!" I choke out through my sobs.

"What are you talking about, Katniss?" he askes me. Just like him. To act as if I am all innocent

"I'm sorry that I am so selfish! I cannot even give you the one thing you have wanted most!" I almost yell at him. It is easier to be angry than to be sad.

"I am still not following you..." He says, but I don't believe him. He knows exactly what I mean. But of course, this is Peeta we are talking about. I sigh at myself. Why am I trying to put fault on him? I am the despicable one here. 

"If...if it is what you want, then I am ready. We can start a family." I state stoically.

His eyes widen at the prospect and I can see his exciment. It is cute, yet hits me with another round of guilt. "Only if you are ready, Katniss. We don't have to." He tells me. I can almost here the dissapointment edging his voice when he says that. He doesn't want to say it but, he does because he is Peeta Mellark. And for some reason it has taken me until now to realize he desreves this. No, that isn't right. It has taken me until now to stop being selfish.

"It's what I want," I say, but I almost want to pull them back. It is at that moment we smell the burning bread. Peeta dashes towards our oven, but it is too late and the bread has begun to turn black. In his exciment (and my fear), we have dismissed such a simple thing. He begins to laugh, and seeing him do so immediatly cheers me up. Sometimes a little comic relief is good, I think as a laugh along with him. As I see him holding the tray with burnt bread I am brought back to thoughts of another day.

"I love you, Peeta. Real." I tell him, and when he says it back, I accept I have made the right decision.

DISCLAIMER: I am not Suzanne, I have no rights to this story.