ENVY// AMBW

4.

I couldn't fall asleep as much as I tried. My mind was raiding me with thoughts and irrational fears about what was to come later in the day.

What if I don't find any of my classes?

I know where all of my classes are.

What if I trip and fall down the stairs and everyone laughs at me?

Wait, what? That won't even happen. This place doesn't even have stairs!

Or do they?

The mind is a powerful thing. It's almost like a temple. Within a temple, you must have a good foundation, a good starting place for your beliefs. Then as time progresses, you start adding bricks. The bricks symbolizes how much you've learned, your struggles---anything that leads you on to who you're supposed to be at the end of the road.

I never really had a good foundation for myself. It's always been a rocky, unsteady building. I grew up in Honors classes with a bunch of priviledged kids that didn't have to worry about anything. My parents tried to provide me with everything they could muster, but they would always come up a little short. I understood.

But what I couldn't understand was: why was I being treated differently than the rest of the class? My mom and dad told me that I was paranoid and that I shouldn't focus on what the other person had or what was given to help them and not me. They knew what was happening.

"Don't worry about it, Nala."

"Reach for the stars, baby girl. Keep on reaching."

I never looked at myself as a threat. But by the color of my skin, I am a million unspoken words. Venomous words lashing out screaming hope and my potential to doing great things, so in return, they silence me. They can't handle what I have to say, even though I haven't said anything.

My ancestors speak through me, for me.

"Look at how far we've come."

"We went through Hell for us to sit here."

And in that class a ten year old Nala sat, pondering how different her life would be if she was a shade lighter...if she was white. To hear others complimenting each other and not receiving any, to hear the girls in the bathroom talk about how dark I was and going home to an empty house because my parents were too busy trying to put food on the table.

I was never called pretty nor did I have anyone to talk to.

If you don't have have good temple, people will come in and destroy it. They will take over your way of thinking and soon you won't even have a mind of your own.

I looked over at Luna who began shifting in her sleep.

She wouldn't understand.