The Comeback

Chapter 38 - Without Her

Yeah, maybe my chances with Cassie are dead but that doesn’t mean I can stay here mourning for things that didn’t happen. I have to leave this room and carry on with my life. Maybe I’ll find someone as special as Cassie, someone who will make me feel like her and someone who’ll make me fall in love again.

Life moves on, with or without me and I rather jump on the train and go with it.

“Bad night?” I hear Zayn asking from his bed so I turn around in my bed to look at him. “By the way, we’re late. Again.”

I chuckle but I don’t make an attempt on moving, I just stay there.

“Kinda empty,” I reply and Zayn frowns. I haven’t told him what happened yesterday. I didn’t feel like talking when I came back. “I guess I can’t compete with Jake.”

“What do you mean?” Zayn asks next and I take a deep breath.

“I gave Cassie the letter. She cried, again, which sucks. I hate seeing her cry. Then she just said she couldn’t and left me alone there. The letter said that Jake would always love her so I guess she’d feel really bad if she likes someone else, hence my chances with her are over. The dead guy won and he’s not even here to be with her. How ironic,” I tell him and I really don’t like this outcome but I’ll manage to be okay and get over her. Eventually.

“Are you sure?” He asks me and I nod my head.

“Yeah, that’s Cassie. She’s like that. She loves Jake and she’d feel like she’s betraying him if she even liked someone else. Especially now that she knows he loves her. It’ll take long before she even accepts she loves someone else.”

Zayn doesn’t say anything for a while and I sigh as I push the coves off of me, ready to leave the bed but before I enter the room my best mate speaks. “I’m sorry, Liam.”

“Yeah,” I say from the door to the toilet. “Me too.”

After that we manage to hurry up and get to class just a few minutes later. I try to focus on the contents and my social life. I even accept an invitation to the pub tonight to have some beers. I try my best to ignore that feeling in my chest telling me there’s something missing. Someone missing in my life.

It’s not been a day and I miss her so much. And every time I remember that I most likely will never have her in my life I feel miserable. And the more I miss her, the more I realise how much she means to me.

It’s stupid how I got to believe Jake. It was obvious these were always my feelings, maybe enhanced because of him, but he never controlled me. What I felt was always me.

And talking about Jake… he hasn’t talked to me the whole day and I don’t know if he just left. I don’t feel any different from how I felt yesterday and I don’t think he would just disappear without saying goodbye or thanks. After I left Cassie’s building he didn’t say anything else during the day so I wonder if he really left or if he’s still somewhere around.

At night I still haven’t had Jake talking to me and it hasn’t been this quiet in my mind since before the coma. It’s even weird, it’s like I expect him to raise his voice the moment I think of Cassie, which happens a lot. But no, that does not happen.

I haven’t seen Cassie around either and I can’t help being disappointed. A part of me was hoping to at least see her from afar.

When we’re at the pub with the lads, having fun, I actually think I see her. For a moment everything stopped until I saw properly and without a bloke trying to block my view, then I realised it wasn’t her, just someone with very similar hair.

I guess it’s this hard just because it’s new. Maybe after a few days I won’t think of her this much, I won’t be hoping to see her at the next corner of the street.

I wonder how she’s doing after that letter. I wonder if she’s still crying and I’m dying to go over to her room and comfort her. To promise her that things will be fine.

“Mate, you are zoning out again!” Matt speaks, one of our classmates. “Do you need to go to the loo?”

I chuckle wondering if I look constipated for him to say that.

“No, I’m fine. I was just thinking,” I reply and he just shrugs.

“He’s got the women-are-so-hard-to-understand look,” Devon speaks next, another classmate. One of our friends, as well. We hang out quite a lot with him. Or we used to, at least. “So who is she? ‘Cos you rejected all our classmates. Is she hot?”

I can’t help the smile from coming to my lips. Devon would never find Cassie hot, but in my eyes she is. She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve laid eyes on, but I can’t tell them that.

“She’s gorgeous and the best girl I’ve met. I think she’s perfect, you know?” I reply and all the lads laugh. “What?”

“You got it bad, mate!” Devon laughs. “And where is she?”

“I dunno,” I reply, losing my smile. “Somewhere not wanting to see me, I guess.”

And then I see the sympathetic looks so I shrug again and wave my hand to dismiss the topic. They don’t have a problem doing so and soon we’re talking about other things, laughing at something or mocking some professor. The usual stuff, but Cassie is still somewhere in my mind.

The rest of the weekend is not better. I’m constantly reminded of her, especially when I realise I still have her DVD box and I haven’t watched series two. I don’t know if I should, without her, but oh well, I’m already trapped in this show so I might as well finish.

So that’s how I spend my weekend, watching Doctor Who. And with every episode I try to imagine how Cassie would’ve reacted. So yeah, I think of her even more. Certainly watching Doctor Who won’t keep her out of my mind.

By Sunday I’m done and I’m not ashamed to say I did shed some tears with Doomsday. I knew it was heart-wrecking but that was beyond words and it kind of gave me a better understanding of Jake and his determination to tell Cassie about his feelings.

So once I’m done with series two I decide I have to hand her the DVD box and better do it once and for all. Who knows? Maybe I get to see her and ask if she’s doing better.

So I leave my room and head to her building in the student village, but when I get there no one answers the door, not even Nessa, so I have to go back with the DVD box in my hands, assuming I’ll have to try again later this week. Maybe this is for the best.

I head back to my room calmly, I don’t have a rush and I’m really disappointed, to be honest. I wanted to see her. But to my surprise when I walk up the few steps of my building I see her, waiting, just like I was waiting for her on Thursday, when I handed the letter.

“Cassie?” I ask, blinking quickly and surprised.

She smiles faintly as she stands up and approaches me. “Hi, Liam,” she speaks softly and I’m still surprised to see her here. “So I uh— I was hoping we could talk.”

-:-:-:-

Dedication to @hotnesskidukan. Sorry for breaking your heart!

Bel, xx