Still Figuring It Out

So far...

It's been weeks since that message Abby sent me, Luke and I have been going well I guess. We seem happy like we did in Freshman year. Sophomore year we started off great and our love for each other grew. Then we just kind of drifted apart after that. And this year we're trying to reconnect and it seems to be working. There's just one problem, I don't think I love him anymore. I'm just so upset about what Abby said. Of what he did. I question my self and it's like I find no answer. I question my beauty, I question my existence. Was I not good enough for him? God I've cried so many nights trying to figure out an answer. And I think I'm finally tired of waiting for an answer. And I do think about what happens when I make my decision, all my money will go to my mum and brother Jamie. School won't be an issue, it'll be hopefully enough for Jamies school. My problem? I don't know when. No one seems to notice anything which is pretty funny. I haven't talked to Adam but he's messaged me, called me, and added me on Facebook. I just always ignored. He said he was worried about me but I don't believe anyone should worry about me. It's all bullshit. It's now December and my birthday is on the 14. The only I want to complete before I do this is leave a note for my mum.

Mum
Hey mum. I know it's a surprise, but I believe it's better like this. I know you thought I was happy, school was fine, grades were fine, when I came home I was fine. But truth is. I'm not. I don't need help, I needed a way out. Do you really know how it feels to wake up every morning realizing you're awake? Realizing that you're not worth it? To cry every night wondering what went wrong? Blaming yourself for things maybe you shouldn't be but you do anyway? I don't know if you understand what I'm trying to tell you but I love you mum. Take care of Jamie. I know he'll grow up to be a wonderful son.

Maddison wrote this and went upstairs to her mothers room. She haven't been there since she was a little girl. When she reached the fourth floor it was like the third except the walls were gray instead of white. This was the only floor with different paint out of the whole house. She walked forward to her mothers room and saw pictures of her and Jaime when they were young. I remember this, Dad was still here at this time. He's the one who took us to Central Park. Still looking at the photos she saw a wedding picture of her parents. She was surprised at the fact it was still up. She picked it up and the back was loose. She opened it and something was written at the back of the picture.

I will always love you for the rest of my years. You were my first love and my high school sweet heart. You were always my rock even though I should of been yours. You never left my side and you make the best come out in me. Although I'm diagnosed with cancer, I don't want you to see me in the state i'll be when I get there. And I know this will be hard but leave me. I don't want Maddison or Jamie to see me like that. I want them to remember how things were and even if they hate me for leaving. Tell them "you'll understand later." And when the time comes, tell them. I will love you forever and always.
- Nicholas

Maddison stood there staring at the picture, not believing what she had just read. That's why my dad left.. She left the paper in one of her mothers draws". "She'll find it sooner or later."

-Later on that day-

"Why haven't I heard from you in months Maddie?" Adam was drinking his mocha frap from Starbucks.

"I think the real question is, why didn't you tell me you're name is Adam Cooper?!" She drank her hot chocolate.

"For your information I'm Adam Nelson Cooper. I didn't say it cause I didn't want you thinking of me as Sly Cooper and I am NOT a raccoon thief!" He looked away.

Maddison started laughing hysterically. "That would of been better than two freaking first names." 

Adam started to laugh with her. "Yeah you have a point." They both laughed together for a while. 

-Hours later Maddison and Adam were walking along the pier during the night watching the breeze move along the waves-

"Thank you for today, seriously."

"No problem Maddie." They walked for a while and Adam put his hands in his pocket. "Hey, I've been meaning to tell you something for a while now. It's kind of like a 'Thank You' sort of thing."

Maddison looked up at him. "Really? What is it?"

"Well like I knew I liked guys but I never had a relationship with them nor did I ever try. But I found someone and we kind of hit off. We're actually dating now."

"Aw congrats!"

"Thank you, anyways my experience with him was just amazing." He trailed off. "Although my experience with you was good."

"Wait so you're like 'bi'?" Adam looked at her with hatred.

"No.God I hate that word." He looked away.

"Sorry," She put her arms up as a surrender. "Just trying to understand here."

"It's okay. I identify my self as gay but I wouldn't mind having sex with girls. It's pretty fun but I prefer cock."

They stood there in silence and Adam was the first one to laugh, Maddison joined. 

"I'm glad I helped Adam."

"Hey, pizza and then I drop you off home?" He put his arm around her.

She looked up at him. "That sounds nice."

Maddison came home she went to her mothers room and took the note back.

"Maybe another day you'll find the note mum."