The clock struck midnight.
It’s been years, mother. It has been a very long time, dearest mother.
“Luna!” I turned around and smiled as I saw her nimble figure slither across the hallway. We were the only ones who were inside the large expanse. I shyly brushed the stray jet-black strands of my hair away from my face as I walked to her. Her hair was already white with age, her face filled with wrinkles, but she was still the same mother I knew from before. She wiped her right hand on the side of her flowing dress and radiated an effervescent smile as she walked past me.
“There you are, my dear Luna.”
I looked at the woman my mother was staring at. She was coming from the stairs, taking very tactful steps but still emitting a very buoyant vibe amidst the festive atmosphere. Luna, my younger sister, beamed at the sight of mother’s Christmas present to her. “Gee, thanks for this, Ma. You really shouldn’t have bothered,” She kissed mother’s left cheek. “Luke and I will be leaving, Ma. Are you sure you’ll be fine? You’ll be all alone …” her bustling voice trailed off.
Mother gently tapped Luna’s shoulder. “Your dad’s with me. I have company.” She paused for a minute. “Go ahead. Merry Christmas, love.”
I watched as Luna trod to Luke, her boyfriend, and clutched his arm. They looked so alive, so happy. I couldn’t help but feel a bit envious of them. “Sorry,” my mother whispered. “I’m so sorry, dear.”
It’s okay, I thought. She headed inside the master’s bedroom and sat on the floor, leaning on the queen-sized bed. My hand lingered over the cabinet and tables as I followed her inside. The room wasn’t really that big, but it was enough for two cabinets, and a huge bed for a couple. A dim light came from the bedside lamp and I saw tiny beads of teardrops on the corners of her eyes. I sat on the bed and watched my mother as she took out a box from her closet. She clutched a tiny lace glove.
“Claire …” She tried to hold back her tears. “I’m sorry.”
I wasn’t forgotten at all.
She continued, “I’m sorry for the 21 Christmases you missed, the 21 birthdays you never got the chance to celebrate, the 21 years you should’ve spent breathing …”
I felt a twinge in my chest. Yeah, I remember. Everything comes back easily to me right now. You chose your future over me.
“I won’t be able to raise you if I hadn’t done that,” my mother broke down “but I should’ve tried. I should’ve at least tried.” I closed my eyes and bit my lip.
Her sobs became louder. “You’ll be proud of Luna, I’m sure. She’s the consistent topnotcher in her batch, but you can’t be and it’s my entire fault!”
I deserved better, I deserve a family, I deserve to be loved, I deserve to love, I deserve a life, but you took away even my chance of living.
“You should’ve been living in your own home right now. Maybe you have a husband right now and you’d be giving me the countless babies I always longed for. I’m sure you’d have a good job. You’re a smart kid, Claire. It’s in the genes.” Her almond eyes gave out a soft twinkle as she smiled at her little joke.
I’ll never receive gifts from you. I’ll never be kissed under the mistletoe. I’ll never hang a stocking on the corner of my bed. I’ll never be greeted a Merry Christmas. I’ll never …
I heaved a sigh and stared at the photographs on the bedside table. Luna’s debut, my parent’s anniversaries … What else did I miss? I carefully picked up an empty picture frame. It’s unfair, isn’t it? But whoever said life is fair? I had to miss out on everything that’s going on their lives while they only had to miss out on one thing: my life.
“Marissa? What’s wrong?” asked a baritone voice. Dad …
My mother flung her around dad. “Hush, dear.” he coaxed her. “You have to start letting go, hon. She’s not here. She’ll never be here.” He rested his head on mom’s shoulder. “We killed our own baby.”
He did not hide his tears. The brave man, the only man I know just let his tears fall from his eyes.
“She could’ve been a Christmas baby. Hon, I chose my studies, my reputation over her,” Mother stood up from the floor and put the glove on the bed. She walked outside the room and stared at the Christmas tree in the living room. “She was supposed to help me put up these, but I was selfish. I was afraid of being ridiculed because of having baby at such a tender age. I did not mind the fact that I deprived her right to live.”
I looked at the floor. What do I really want? Revenge? Justice? How?
She fiddled with the Christmas tree. “Today’s supposed to be a happy day. Merry Christmas, right? But she’s all I remember every time. It’s the day I killed her.”
My father, who was just standing beside me, rushed to my mother’s side and hugged her tightly. “You love her. That’s all that matters. We may have done wrong but we’ll make up for this until the day we die.”
I brushed the tears forming on the corner of my eyes. This sight is killing me. Wait, I’m not alive! I’m not supposed to feel anything! But why this?
She whimpered and sat on the sofa just beside the Christmas tree. “I love her to death, but I killed her.”
My father shook his head. “It’s been years, Marissa.”
“I’m a mother! You don’t know how I feel! She came from me, her blood flowed from my womb and I still can’t believe I felt relieved that time! I’m a murderer.”
It’s already been two hours since Christmas began. The twinkling lights from the outside just flickered even brighter. It was a jovial atmosphere outside the house, but it was an entirely different ambiance here.
“We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!” I heard a group of carolers sing the Yuletide song just across the street.
I am nothing but a memory, a painful memory. A blinding luminescence near them caught my eye. I fled outside the house. Longing tempted me to look back and I saw mother being calmed down by my father. Luna, who just returned home with her Luke, ran inside and kneeled down to mother, asking what’s wrong.
They are already a happy family. Mother has to let go of me and I have to do the same. Forgiveness, acceptance, I must learn this. I took more steps towards the light.
Peace, at last.
