Boycotting Blue

18/Blue

Blue

 

Rodriguez looked at me funny the minute I opened the warehouse door, mota in my hands. “You’ve been sellin’?” he asked.

     Nope. “Buyin’,” I replied, taking a seat in front of him. I expertly rolled the mota like a pro. I had spent enough time when I was younger rolling up other stuff so I could look like my dad and the cool boys.

   “You sharin’?” He looked at my perfectly rolled blunt curiously.

    “Fuck that,” I replied, grabbing a lighter from my pocket and lighting it up. I inhaled, then watched as the puff of smoke went into a thick, white cloud as I exhaled. Gracias Dios.

   “You could’ve came to me for some.”

    Yeah right. I hadn’t leaned on him for anything ever in my life. It didn’t need to start now. As he pointed out, I was still under his thumb. None of his other sellers came to him when they wanted to buy. They didn’t dare. For eighteen years he had treated me like all of his other gang members. This special shit wasn’t about to start now.

   I inhaled again, trying to clear my mind of Lou.

   “Is it the girl?”

    I nodded once, but kept mi boca shut. I didn’t want to talk about her. I didn’t want to talk about how I loved her, and how I hurt her. Like I hurt every other damn person that walked into my life. I didn’t want to talk about how she reminded me of Evangeline, and how Evangeline had been killed. I didn’t even want to talk about how Dylan had ended up giving her the first kiss she had. A kiss that was supposed to be mines. I didn’t need to be reminded that I was a piece of shit, a gang member soon to be in prison or dead, and that she could do so much better than me.

   Rodriguez looked out of his element. Killing people, that was fine. Getting them killed, even better, less of a messy situation. Selling drugs and recruiting other gang members, easy. Giving guns and knives to kids before they could even spell the words, perfect. But consoling his son on girl troubles? Yeah, he was awkward.

    “Blue, if you really—“

     “Shut the fuck up,” I snapped, inhaling and exhaling once again. This time I let the smoke linger in my throat before exhaling. I was already feeling light-headed. “I don’t wanna hear it. Because I would be makin’ out with her, butt ass naked at this moment had you not come back.”

   Inhale, hold, exhale, I thought, repeating my actions.

   He narrowed his eyes. “I’ll believe that’s the mota speakin’ in you.”

   I stood up a bit wobbly. Mierda, everything was slow. “No,” I growled, pointing a finger at him. I poked him in the chest, unafraid. Now that was the mota taking over. “This is me, Blue, your gang member first, your son second.” I glared at him, trying to gather my words so they came out correctly. “I have lost everything because of you.”

    “I gave you a choice.”

     “Oh, si,” I told him, laughing bitterly. “Either join or go live with family that didn’t want me. Now that I think about it, I should’ve went with mi familia. At least they weren’t tryna kill me.”

    Jumping in had been ten times worse for me than any other person. I had something to prove. There was no special treatment because I was the son of the head honcho. So I had gotten my ass beat, stabbed, and shot at as I ran, trying to fight off fifteen en all bigger and stronger than me. I was fourteen fuckin’ years old.

    Rodriguez gave me a dark look. “It was a choice all the same.”

    “Buena. Now I fuckin’ choose to do whatever the hell you want me to. Death, prison, all that be damned. I have nada to live for, you hear me? Nada.” Lou was no longer mines to live for. I had walked out on her. I had told her things that would hurt her.

   But, fuck, kissing her felt amazing.

   Still, I had done her wrong. I didn’t deserve to be in the same room with her, something I was sure Tio would never let me forget.

   Rodriguez grabbed the blunt from my hand, shaking his head. “Mota is not for everybody. Azul.” He handed it off to some junky, pitying me. “You are speaking like a fool.”

   A fool? The only foolish thing I had done was fall for Lou. It was something about that smile, and those eyes, and that body, and the way fire danced from left to right when she kissed me…. “Give me somethin’ to do,” I demanded, glaring at him.

   I was light-headed, and everything seemed to be slow.

   “Not while you are like this. Go back to su casa, talk to my brother, and then come see me tomorrow if you feel the same way.”

  I couldn’t even believe my own dad was pushing me away.

  “You’re just like mi madre,” I growled, getting into his face. “You gonna disappear on me, too? Huh?”

    I couldn’t think straight, but I knew one thing and one thing only—if somebody else left me, no matter who it was, I’d send myself to an early grave.