Existential

Chapter One:

"Dan?" Phil called through the house, trying to find his flat mate, who had, once again, left his belongings laying everywhere.

He headed up the stairs, only to be stopped by Dan, who was laying face down in the middle of the landing.

"Dan? What's wrong?" Phil asked, nudging his side with his foot as he listened to each of the shuddering breaths that dan took. He only groaned irritably in return to the question. Phil knelt down beside the handsome brunette and patted his back.

"Get up, mate. We can talk about whatever is bothering you, if you want to."

"There's no point in getting up. There's no point in any of this." Dan muttered as Phil hoisted him up to his feet, bracing the stubbornly limp man on his side. They wandered in to Dan's room, and Phil noticed, for the first time, how dull and colorless it was. There was not a drop of color in his room, and walking through his door was like walking in to a black and white film. He sighed as dan spoke of how he felt easily. Phil thought, "I wish I could do that, But I can't even come out to my best friend, let alone be honest about how I feel. How I feel about him, that is," He sighed, intently listening to the man he was forced to call his best friend. Phil wanted to call him more than that.. perhaps, his love.

"And nothing even matters! I dont even value my own life anymore, because I know very few people would even fucking notice if one day i just got hit by a damn train." He explained. His voice was hoarse, constantly cracking, and Phil could easily tell it was taking all he had not to cry.

"Don't you think I would notice, Dan? Do you not think I'd be devastated? What about your subscribers?" Phil pointed out, bothered by the way that Dan degraded himself.

"But-"

"But what? There's no arguing, I don't even know the extent to which I'd feel if you were gone, and that means you certainly don't. I care about you so much, Danny." Phil explained, not giving him a chance to argue with his point. Dan sighed.

"I guess..."

"Well, I know," Phil responded confidently. Dan stared off and thought for a moment, staring in to space blankly.

"If only I could tell him..." Dan thought, "To tell him that I'm gay. Not that It'd have a point. He's still straight so I'd never have a chance, anyway."

"Dan?" Phil's voice broke dan out of his thoughts.

"Hm?"

"Can I tell you something?" phil asked. "I know you aren't feeling well, so it's okay if you say no."

"sure, go for it," Dan said uninthusiastically. Phil took a deep breath. He braced himself, mumbling something to himself before finally, after a long pause, confessing,

"I'm gay."

"Mmhm?" Dan said, as if it were no surprise. It was, but dan remained calm as he, as well, braced himself to make the same confession. "Me too, Phil, but I'm sure that's no surprise," Dan mumbled. Phil's eyes widened.

"actually, it is," he laughed. "I always just assumed you were straight, or maybe ace, considering..." Phil trailed off.

"Considering what?" dan questioned. "Considering I'm fucking lonely?" he laughed.

"Shut up, you can't be lonely, you have me!" Phil cheerfully giggled.

Dan, however, thought differently. Dan didn't think the way he had phil in his life was quite enough. It didn't match up with what type of relationship he really wanted with his best friend.