Doormat

Chapter 6

The Joker whistled to himself as he put the finishing touches on the scale diorama illustrating his upcoming battle with Batman. "Looking good – just think I need a few more macaroni pieces for the dismembered limbs."

He fished around in the bag by his arm as he blew on the glue which stuck the other macaroni pieces together. "Harley!" he shouted. "I need more macaronis!"

"That's nice, puddin'," called back Harley. "But I'm watching TV, so you'll just have to get 'em yourself."

Joker sighed heavily. "Y'know, I bet Janey would go get me some more macaronis. And a milkshake. I wonder if I should just give her a call and ask her to move in – I'm sure she'd relocate for me. Would you have any problem with another woman living here with me, Harley?"

"Nope," retorted Harley. "You do what you wanna, Mr. J. But I ain't getting up to get your macaronis."

Joker frowned. "Really? Are you sure? Because if Janey lived here, and we were in close proximity day after day, something might happen between us like what happened to us in Arkham. She'd be listening to me like the gorgeous, compassionate shrink she is, being all sweet and sympathetic, and I'd find myself overwhelmed by her sensitive nature, and I couldn't resist kissing her, and then one thing might lead to another...y'know, in our bed and all. Wouldn't the very thought of that just drive you nuts?"

"Nah, I'm already nuts," replied Harley. "Anyway, we just had sex recently, so you'll be good for at least six months. If she's willing to wait that long, she can be my guest."

Joker stood up and stormed into the living room. "All right, what the hell is wrong with you..." he began, but froze when he saw that she was dressed in a T-shirt which read, Put a Dent in Crime - Vote Harvey Dent for DA.

"Where did you get one of Harvey's old campaign shirts?" asked Joker.

"Red gave it to me," replied Harley. "She and Harvey had a falling out – he said he wasn't interested in her anymore, and so Red said good riddance. And she was just throwing this out, so I took it."

"Why?" asked Joker. "You already got clothes."

"Well, Red was telling me how all men are scum, as she usually does," continued Harley. "And I was telling her about how you won't stop talking about Janey, and maybe because of that, what she was saying suddenly seemed to make a lotta sense. You know, her usual rants about how I should leave you just seemed to click, and I realized that she's right. I do put up with a lotta crap as your girlfriend that no other woman in the world would ever put up with. I need to claw back some form of self-respect, and Red says the best way to do that is to try and take an interest in other men. She says once I get myself out there, I'll realize you weren't such a great catch after all. So I've been watching the news, which is covering some of Harvey's latest exploits, and I gotta say, I'm kinda a fan. His crimes are almost as genius as yours."

Joker stared at her. "H...Harvey?" he repeated, choking out the name. "You think...Harvey's crimes...are almost as genius as..."

He couldn't finish the sentence, but his shock suddenly turned to rage. "Harvey doesn't even plan his own crimes!" he snapped. "He relies on his stupid coin to make his every decision! At least I'm original!"

"Aw, but it's kinda a cute little disorder he's got," purred Harley. "You know I'm a fan of the psychologically complex, Mr. J. I'd love to have a few intensive sessions with Harvey to see if I can get to the root of his little problem. I might be able to really help him – I'm a pretty good shrink, y'know. I might be just what he needs, and a guy like him might be just what I need."

"He's got half a face, Harl," snapped Joker. "You wanna go from impossibly handsome to ugly as sin, that's up to you, but I think you know in your heart that it's a huge step down."