Doormat

Chapter 11

"God, Batsy is such a sap!" chuckled Joker to himself as the door to the Arkham cell block slammed shut, leaving the inmates alone in their separate cells. "He thinks just because he's locked us up in here, those politicians are all safe and sound out there!"

"Well, aren't they?" asked Two-Face.

Joker giggled. "Oh, ye of little faith!" he said. "You actually think I'd go anywhere without a set of explosives handy? You don't know me very well, Harvey."

Joker reached into his pocket and produced the rubber Batman duck. "It's a duck," said Ivy, glaring at it.

"Not just any duck!" chuckled Joker. "The Duck Knight! Protecting and defending Gotham Pond from mallard-ies of all kinds! It may be highly dangerous, but he doesn't give a duck! Now let's listen to him quack!"

He put a finger to his lips, and then pressed the squeaker inside the duck, which gave a pitiful squeal, followed by a steady ticking sound. Joker put the duck on the ground and then backed away, putting his fingers in his ears. "Get ready, guys – this is gonna be specquackular!"

The duck suddenly exploded in a huge blast, taking out the bars on the cell and most the section of wall that had been repaired. "Why does nobody laugh at that specquackular joke?" sighed Joker, removing his fingers from his ears and striding out of the cell.

"I thought it was funny, puddin'," purred Harley, joining him since the explosion had also taken out part of her cell. "But I'm gonna need to buy you a new Batman duck now."

"Don't bother – I still have the rest of the Bat-duck family to mutilate," replied Joker. "And speaking of mutilation, let's get to those politicians! We should drop Janey off at the airport first though – she should probably be outta town before she can see what we're gonna do to 'em, or she might stop thinking of me as being all heroic and all."

"Hey, you could bust us all out before you go!" snapped Ivy.

"I could," agreed Joker. "But I'm all outta ducks. Catch you later, losers!" he chuckled, putting his arm around Harley as they strode out of the asylum to freedom.

"I hate him," muttered Ivy, glaring after them.

"Well, at least Harley's happy again," sighed Crane. "I suppose we can be grateful for that."

"For now," agreed Ivy. "Until that creep pulls another lame joke he thinks is funny on her. Then she's gonna come crying to me, as usual. Or let him walk all over her again, like the doormat she is."

Ivy's predictions were very likely to come true at some point, but she didn't see Harley again for a few weeks, and that was purely by accident. Ivy was making a rather large withdrawal from the First National Bank of Gotham – not her own money, of course. But she needed enough to afford a ticket to the rainforest in order to sabotage its latest massacre, and she was all out of savings.

She had asked a nearby tree to use its roots to blast its way into the bank's vault, and she strode inside, ignoring the screams of the terrified employees who ran out of the gaping hole.

"Red! You ruined Mr. J's act by releasing the hostages!" snapped a familiar voice. Ivy saw that Harley and Joker were already in the vault, surrounded by a few smiling corpses.

"Yeah, that routine wasn't finished!" snapped Joker. "Some of them still had to die laughing!"

"Yeah, I'm not sorry," retorted Ivy. "I hope you haven't cleaned this place out yet – I need enough for a plane ticket."

"Nah, we were doing the routine first, and then robbing the joint," said Joker. "I guess we'd better get to it now, before you can grab all the good stuff. Harley, get to work," he said, throwing a bag at her.

"Aw, I would, puddin'," said Harley, rubbing her back. "But my back still hurts from that jump – I think you caught me kinda funny."

"Your back woulda been broken without me, so don't blame me for it hurting now!" snapped Joker. "Anyway, it was your stupid idea to jump!"

"Yeah, and it was your bravery that rescued me," purred Harley. "Janey's right – you're kinda heroic when you wanna be," she said, kissing his cheek. "And my savior can collect the loot while I rest up a little, huh?"

"Fine," muttered Joker, picking up the bag and opening up the safety deposits boxes to empty them of their contents.

Harley sat down, popping a piece of bubblegum into her mouth while Ivy started emptying the vault from the other side. "Oh, puddin', I like that!" Harley exclaimed, as Joker removed a diamond tiara from one of the boxes. "Can I keep it?"

"It looks pretty valuable, Harl – probably worth a good few hundred grand," said Joker, examining it.

"But it's shiny and pretty and I want it," said Harley, sticking out her bottom lip.

Joker sighed heavily, looking around at the rest of the loot. "Fine," he said, holding it out to her.

"I can't get over there and get it – bad back, remember?" said Harley. "Can't ya bring it to me? Pretty please?"

Joker sighed again, and stormed over to her, placing it onto her head and then returning to robbing the vault. "Oooh, I like that necklace too!" exclaimed Harley as he withdrew a ruby necklace.

"You already got the tiara, you greedy brat!" snapped Joker. "This is getting sold!"

Harley stuck out her bottom lip again. "Pretty please?" she repeated, batting her eyes at him as she blew out a bubble of gum. It popped, and Joker growled, tossing the necklace at her.

"Fine," he repeated. "Gonna make me go bankrupt with all your goddamn gifts," he muttered to himself, returning to stuffing the bag with loot.

"And that bracelet too," added Harley, nodding.

Joker tossed it at her without a word, muttering under his breath about greedy, pushy dames running him out of house and home. Harley admired her new bits of jewelry, and then began trying to fix her back. "Puddin'!" she called, twisting around. "Think you can come over here and give me a hand cracking my back?"

"Kinda busy here, Harley!" snapped Joker.

"Aw, but you love breaking spines!" said Harley. "C'mon, a quick snap, for your Harley girl?"

Joker growled, throwing down the bag. "I'm doing this for the bone breaking, not for you," he said, storming over to her and bracing his arms against her back.

"Oh...yeah, that's it!" exclaimed Harley, as Ivy heard a firm crack. "Oooh, it's still a little tender, just massage it right there! Oh yeah. Oh, oh, oh, it's so good! Hang on, let me change position..."

Ivy continued to hear Harley's moans and groans of pleasure, and didn't really want to know what was going on on the other side of the vault, although knowing the clowns, it could very well be what it sounded like.

She closed up her bag of loot and headed for the exit with Harley still moaning. Ivy risked a glance at them, and was relieved to see that they weren't, in fact, having sex – Harley was lying face-down on the ground, while Joker walked firmly and repeatedly over her back. Harley was clearly loving it, and smiled up at Ivy. "Have a good trip, Red – call me when you're back!"

"Yeah, I will," said Ivy. "See you around, Harley."

Harley giggled as a thought suddenly struck her. "What's so funny, you dumb blonde?" demanded Joker.

"Nothing, it's just...you're literally walking all over me, Mr. J!" giggled Harley.

Joker laughed too. "Yeah, guess I am!" he agreed, grinding a heel into her spine, which made her groan loudly. "That's my good little doormat!" he chuckled.

Harley smiled to herself, adjusting her tiara as waves of pleasure cascaded through her body. "Doormat, my ass," she muttered.

The End