This Time

I Can't

Sorry for the late update guys. Hope you like this new chapter :)

--just'sing 

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"I love you too Pie, I really do. So much. But I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

Kim said those words and it stricken my heart. Why was she saying sorry if she loved me?

"Why are you saying sorry to me Kim? I am the one who hurt you, you love me and I love you, why are you saying sorry?"

I was looking in her eyes, we were only inches apart, she was still holding my face while I was holding her hand. She looked like she was struggling. We were both crying.

"I can't Pie. I can't be with you anymore."

With those words, I felt my world shatter into pieces, like it was a life sentence.

"Why are saying this to me Kim?" I was confused.

"I love you Pie, but I can't stay and be with you. But believe me, I care and I love you so much." Tears were still falling from her face. Her eyes were turning red.

"Why can't you be with me? We love each other, believe me that this time, I love you so much more than before. Don't you trust my love?"

"I don't know anymore, I was hurt Pie, and I don't know if I can trust you anymore, I'm scared Pie. And I'm sorry if I'm making this hard for you." She pulled away from our contact and she stepped away from me.

"I love you Kim. I want you to know that. In the past, it was my fault. I was too scared of what people will think about the two of us." I breathed a heavy sigh. Thinking of the right words to say to try and convince her. "I loved you so much before up until now. The proposal somehow shocked me. I wasn't ready and I wasn't sure too if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I loved you before in a way that everything was all about me, I thought that being just the two of us is enough to keep our love, but I was wrong." I said truthfully.

Kim looked at me with a hurt expression. Her eyes were so full of emotion and I can't stand her looking at me that way. I was guilty for hurting her. "I never had the idea of thinking my future with you until the day you were gone. When you left, that's when I realized that I can't live my life without you. That I was ready and I wanted a life with you, that I don't care of what the people around me will say." I said not leaving her gaze.

"Funny that I realized I loved you so much the day after. That's when I heard you left for the states. How I wanted to go after you Kim, but Shone told me to give you space because you needed it." I said it all out. "I wanted you back so bad that I even wanted to go after you, I was devastated when you left me." I said while looking in the sand remembering what I did when Kim left me. Bar hopping, getting drunk, not sleeping, helpless, I didn't eat nor drink anything properly. I was basically a perfect example of a walking dead person. She was still crying though. I was too, we stood in silence until she spoke up.

"I would have given you what you wanted Pie." She paused and looked at me, "I will even give you freedom to you if that was what you wanted." She walked near the water.

"It hurts me more to hear that what you felt for me before was love but not the same love that I felt for you. You were my everything, my world revolved around you and I was willing to take a risk with you Pie. Sad thing is that, it was only me who was brave enough to take a step." She looked down on the sand. Not looking at me, it hurts me that she was feeling this way. That I really did hurt her.

"Maybe that was the reason why you never really wanted me hugging you in public. When we go out, it will be always in a private place and not where there is many people. I know that you are not ashamed of me, I felt that, you were just scared of what the other people might think."

Ouch, her words cut through my heart. She was right, I was never ashamed of her, I was just not ready for what the people would say about us. I was crying so hard hearing that Kim was able to think about those things, and the memory of those still hurt her. I was terrible.

"I was willing to wait for you Pie. I can wait for you if you asked me too. But you just let me go. I'm sorry if I left you. I know that I did hurt you but I didn't know what to do anymore at that time. I wanted to be ready for you, and for me. I guess it's true that you can never be sure unless you are ready." She said as tears rolled down on her face.

"I was always here, I never left. You just never gave me a chance because you were scared. I was scared too, Pie. But I want to be scared together with you, so we can have a reason to gain courage from one another. But it was never that way. Things were never that way; I just wish it can be, because I'm strong when I'm with you, I thought that you were too. And now, I'm more afraid that if I let you in, I'll end up being scared again, of being alone."

I was frozen with her words, every single bit of it. I needed the right words to say to her that I was sorry for everything that I did to her. It breaks my heart seeing Kim like this. Until she spoke again.

"The day I saw you again, was same day that I told myself that if I step foot here again in Thailand, I would be a better person. I was shocked at first." She said while laughing a fake laugh. "Well who wouldn't be? You saw your ex-girlfriend in the same company that you will be working in and what's worst is that you'll be team mates and working on the same projects." She faked a laugh again.

"That time, I thought that I already got over you, that I was ready to see you. But I guess I was wrong. The moment I saw you it's like all of my memories came back, not only the hurtful ones but also the happiest days of my life with you. Even my feelings went back. I just can't be mad at you Pie. I can't because I will love you always."

Hearing her say that she will always love me makes my heart rise up. If she loves me then we still have a chance to be together, no matter how hard it is we can do that.

Kim looked at me in the eye, she was still hurting, I thought that it was only me who was hurt and who was devastated of what happened between the two of us. But I was wrong, Kim, she was hurting to.

"I still love you Pie, I really do. But I'm still hurt and I don't know if I can open my heart for you again. I don't want to end up being alone again because of your uncertainty. I wish I can find the right words to say so I won't hurt you but I'm all out of words Pie. I don't want to be harsh but after hearing what you said earlier gave me much more hurt. I don't want to be your dirty little secret, I don't want to end up hurting again because you're not sure of me and about me." she says wiping her tears.

I was hurt with how Kim says that she can't be with me but who can blame her. I literally broke her and I was still doing it.

"I will do everything in my capacity and power to prove to you and show you that I love you Kim. Please believe me." I said touching her face, I want her to feel that I was true to what I was saying.

"If you give me a chance, I will gladly say to the whole world that I am madly in love with you, because I am Kim." she looked me in the eye. "I will not care what people will say as long as you are with me. I know that in the past it was my fault. Please Kim, I beg you." Our foreheads were now touching. "Come back to me. I want you back Kim, please baby." I was crying hard this time.

Kim was silent and I know that she is deep in her thoughts. I won't give up on this, not now or ever, Kim still loves me and we still have a chance.

"I really don't know Pie." She said with a pause and a heavy sigh. "Give me time, please."

I was glad that she actually said that, my lips began to form a smile as she said she only needed time. I had a hope still waiting for the two of us. It was better than nothing.

"I will give you all the time Kim, just be back to me. I will show you that I love you, prove you that I deserve you and we belong to each other. Take all the time you need. I will wait for you. I love you baby. I love you, I love you."

"Thank you Pie, I love you too." And with that she kissed me again for a short moment and she walked away from me. Our talk made me exhausted but I know that it was all worth it. I will give all the time to Kim, and I will do anything to gain her forgiveness and trust, she loved me. And I'm sure that we belong together.

We belong together.