MY REASON TO LIVE-ERERI

CHAPTER 11-PART 1

I didnt wake up again that night,i slept better than I have in months.
In the morning I wake up and Levi is gone. Im confused why isnt he here? Did I dream everything that happened last night? No..i couldnt have...right? Maybe I went to sleep and dreamt that he came to my room and...
I remember the kiss...it felt so real,it couldnt have been a dream...

I lay down for a few more minutes then get up and flinch in pain..right,my arm,forgot about that,i need to be careful..
I exit my room an start walking down the hall,where am I even going? Before I know it im in front of Levis room. Should I do it? Maybe hes asleep,i dont want to bother him..Ahh fuck it! I knock on the door and a few seconds later Levi opens it,he doesnt say anything just looks at me and I do the same until I snap back to reality and force out a "Hey.."
He also snaps back and clears his troath before saying "Hey.." too.
I still think that is possible everything that happened last night is a dream but I exculde that option and ask him.
"Why..um..why did you leave?"
He stays silent for a while like hes thinking of what to say then he responds me
"We need to talk"
Great like I wasnt scared enough already.
"O-okey" I say trying not to sound nervous but failing
"Come in"
I do as he says and we both sit on the bed.

After a few seconds of silence he sighs and says
"Im sorry about the kiss,i wasnt thinking right-"
I intrerupt him before he can continue
"Dont be,i enjoyed it,if I didnt want to kiss you I wouldnt have returned it"
"Dont get the wrong idea,we cant be togheter"
I try not to sound or look to desapointed or sad,wich I was to be honest..
"Why?..." I say looking down and not at him
"Well first of all im too old for you,Mikasa told me you are 17 right?"
"Yeah.." how old can he be? He doesnt look older than 20..
"Well im 28,wich is almost 30,there is 11 years between us"
"But does age really matter that much? Especialy in the situation we are in? We could die at any moment,we should at least enjoy what time we have left.."
"And also because we could die at any moment,i dont want us to get to attached to the other,if one of us dies...it will hurt much more."
I finaly look up at him and see that he looks as sad as me. I fight back the tears threatening to form and say
"Well I dont care,im wiling to take this risc"
"Just trust me,its better if you dont.."
I sigh,i dont want to sound desprate so I wont keep trying to convince him..
"Are you sure?..."
He nods not saying anything
I take a deep breath "Fine" I say and without another word get up and leave.
Hes scared of geting hurt again isnt he,like with Erwin..
I get back to my room and when I close the door I let the tears i've been fighting go and fall down my cheeks. I lean against the door and slowly start to slide down until im siting on the floor then hug my knees to my chest and start crying. I keep thinking about that kiss,how I wish it could happen again,how delicate and caring it was,i-i think I was falling for him..or..i am falling for him..