[Un]Pretty

Depressed? Suicide?

   Hey, I really haven't posted a chapter in a while, have I? Well... here is one.

    Sometimes it's hard to discern between being depressed and just being sad. I often wonder which one I am... and honestly I don't think I need some major medication... just a few things.

So don't laugh, but my best friend lives quite a few states from me, and I haven't been able to meet her in the human form. I know, it's so stereotype socially deprived home schooler! I need her, because I love her and just wanna be there for her... we both want that! I'm depressed, she's depressed... and one of the biggest reasons is loneliness.

I want a boyfriend, despite being totally unready, I want a guy in my life who is more then just a friend. 

I want to figure out why I'm so hurt, angry and sad inside!

   Even I have to admit to myself that seeing a professional would be wise, but how do I phrase that to my mom?

I'm an emotional wreck! And not recently, but I have, strongly considered suicide... because although my pain is hardly equal to other's, it is unbareable for me!

Let me take you back a few years, to a time when I was about 13... I'm 15 now...

   Things with my dad were really bad, he was constantly on his rampages, tearing our family apart. Just when, I think, a girl needs a father, he was my enemy. I cried, I yelled, I just wanted him to stop verbally abusing me, my sister and my mother... he was a psycho, to put it kindly.

    I don't want to even describe the names he had called me, the fear I had, or even the times my mother couldn't and wouldn't leave us alone with him.

This had been going on since I was 10 and even 3 years later was on a high!

   On top of my worries about this, I was lonely. I mean I had no friends, no one to talk to, no one to laugh with. I basically lived in my bedroom, because I had no were to go, no one to talk to and it was a safe haven from my dad. 

   It was in the privacy that I thought "death would be easier then living in this hell, right?", I would've too, because I had nothing to live for. And although I would never, straightly, tell her this... my sister was the only one I stayed for. I couldn't leave her alone... it wouldn't be fair!

   Life has gotten better at home, my dad isn't around anymore, and I do have a few friends... yet I'm always feeling sad, always feeling a weight... and always having to push the thought of self harm or death away.

    Where is the light in life? The smile? I just wanna see it... wanna know someday it'll be okay.