[Un]Pretty

The Urge Never Goes Away

Before I began writing this newest paragraph[s] I sighed. I sighed because I'm sick of it! I'm happy now, I'm not constantly a ball of joy, but inside, I'm happy and joyous and thanful. Somehow, even though my heart smiles, part of it still frowns. I still get these sad moments, moments when I just want to die! I can deal with sad moments ... but I can't deal with the urges that never go away. The urges to cut again.

   I haven't cut since September, and I'm really proud of myself, but earlier this month I almost fell again. I started scratching at my skin with my nails as I tried so hard not to find something sharp and make myself bleed.

   I guess cutting becomes such an addiction that even when your happy, even when you've gone months (even years) without cutting, you still think about it once in a while. I understand that now, and the thoughts don't scare me, but what if I give into them? If I cut again I'm throwing away every minute that I've spent trying to heal and trying to be at peace.

   If you've ever cut ... I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about.

-sigh-