Blood Family

Chapter Thirty Four : Resentment

Kaine Turner

My therapist Kenneth scribbled down notes and I couldn't help but grow annoyed every time the pen scratched against the paper. I leaned forward and looked down at the shoes on my feet before glancing over at Malik who sat in a rocking chair squeezing a stress ball and then over at Aaron who sat awkward and quiet trying to appear normal and so I decided to talk first.

"I don't think I'm likable, it was damaging to my self esteem as a child to realize that, but overtime and as I've grown it's just something I accept. Some kids get bullied in school and break down from the emotional strain and toll it takes on them but I was already broken down with a crushed spirt so how was the bullying suppose to hurt me? How is someone that doesn't like me suppose to hurt my feelings?" I questioned speaking up. I was hopeful that since I talked first I'd get to leave first like last time.

"We all have wanted acceptance no matter how subtle it might have be. Kaine what I've noticed with you is you tend to lash out at people who hurt you. You want them to hurt how you're hurting and that's not always the best choice" Kenneth responded and I folded my hands on my lap.

"When I was in the fifth grade this little white boy use to harass me in school and throw shit at me as I was walking home. One day he made a comment about me and I can't even remember what the fuck it was but I remember I asked him was his mother enjoying her dirt nap and he ran home crying. His mother died two years prior and I got suspended for hurting his feelings because the principal said he was going through a lot and I was harassing him. I went home and my father beat me like he always did but I didn't care. I was happy that dumb fuck felt what I felt everyday" I explained and my therapist was silent for a moment before he looked at Malik.

"As the older sibling have you ever tried to talk to Kaine about his lashing out?" Kenneth questioned saying anything to get Malik engaged and my brother gave a simple one arm shrug.

"Carl can defend himself, everyone knows he has a reckless mouth, you hurt his feelings and he'll hurt your feelings ten times worse and have you sitting in front of a light socket with a knife ready to kill yourself" Malik said in a really bored tone not taking much of an interest.

I shut down hoping that was enough but my therapist continued to stare at me. I rested my elbows on my thighs as I leaned forward and looked at the walls while feeling my insecurities creeping up.

"I don't like to see people picking on other people, you don't know what people are going through in their personal lives. You just being a decent person can make someone's day and you being a horrible rude person can be the reason that they get pushed over the edge. I guess what I'm trying to say is Kaine is my brother and I don't want anyone to mistreat him because then it hurts me" Aaron tried to explain and I shook my head.

"It's not like that, I just said it doesn't bother me. I'm not crying about it or nothing" I explain and Aaron glanced at me.

"But Angelo and Johan and the people who hang around the house they have a clique mentality and the don't include you in stuff. They say stuff to hurt you and then everyone laughs and you just kinda shrug it off. It's childish just like school bullies but you'd never say anything, you just kinda lash out later on at small stuff and then people call you annoying forgetting what they did to you" Aaron tried to explain.

"Kaine, you say this isn't a problem but it obviously is a huge problem. It goes back to when you were in school and wether you accept it or not it's affecting your self esteem. Your attachment to Ajani can be unhealthy at times from what you've explained to me, but I understand. What you went through isn't okay I need you to admit that" Kenneth stated and I remained silent and stared at the wall again pretending like he wasn't there.