My Addictions Make Me Who I am ( AOT/LeviHan ) (REWRITING)

Chapter 18

Levi POV

When I woke up, I prayed that it was a dream. That it was all a horrible nightmare that would go away once I opened my eyes. But I knew deep down that It wasn't a dream. I could feel the cold spot on the bed beside me where she would normally be. With a silent sigh I sat up, looking around the room. It was still a mess since I hadn't cleaned anything at all before I went to bed. The drawers were still flung open, a cold reminder of what happened. It was hard to know that my life had changed so much in such a short time. I swung my legs out from the bed. A pounding headache gripped my head. My crying jag last night had left me feeling gross and tired. Those two combinations, plus the headache made me extremely grouchy. I got up, going and taking a shower, hoping that it would help. 

The warm water cascaded down my body, washing away some of the grim and sweat from last night. It was a nice feeling. I closed my eyes, letting the warmth of the water ease my headache. My face was sore. I must have cried while I slept. I don't think that I dreamt last night, well not that I could remember. As usual, the water ran cold long before I was even remotely ready to get out of the shower. I knew I had been in there for a while already, considering my hands looked like pale prunes, yet I could have stayed in there for ages more.  

I got out and dried myself off, pulling on comfortable clothes. My headache was better but still there, so I made my way into the kitchen, hoping for something in there that could get it to go away completely. I started the coffee maker, and grabbed the bottle of aspirin nearby. By habit, I grabbed both cups out of the cupboard, and I felt my eyes burn at the sight of it. I quickly put her cup back. Pouring myself a cup, I took some painkillers, praying that they would kick in soon. My headache was strengthening back up quickly. The house was too quiet and it made me anxious. I decided that I would clean. Cleaning always made me feel better. I gathered the supplies, and started. It scrubbed everything with a fierce hand, only focusing on the cleaning rather than anything else that tried to surface to my mind. Soon I fell into a rhythm, my mind completely consumed by the task at hand. Scrub, wipe, repeat. It was simple and helped keep me busy for hours. By the time I was done, it was almost dark and the house was spotless. I thought I would feel pride at how clean the place was, but I felt my heart give a jerk as I realized that my mess maker wasn't here anymore. 

Shoving that thought into the corner of my mind, I pulled on my shoes. I wasn't going to let this affect me. No I had to keep on living, keep on moving. I walked out of the house and went to my car. I didn't know where I was going yet, but I didn't want to stay in that house. Not right now. My car purred as I started it up and pulled out of the drive. 

I went down the street, letting the radio fill the silence that was thick and heavy in my car. A familiar sign caught my eye, and before I knew it I was pulling into the cafe. I didn't consider if it was a good idea to be here because of the memories that it gave me. The bell jingled as I walked into it. My body seemed to move on it's own as I ordered a tea and sat at a back corner. It wasn't until that I had the cup in my hands that I realized how cold my hands were. I watched everything that went on in the cafe, thinking about anything but her. There were a few people that I recognized but I had no urge to talk to them.  The boy, who's name was Eren I do believe, was in a rush, trying to get orders out. He chatted with everyone and had this bright smile on his face. I turned to tell Hanji how he smiled almost as much as she did. The empty spot next to me, knocked the air out of my lungs. I should have known it was a mistake to come here. Getting up, I left the cafe, shoving everything down out of my mind. I needed something to keep my mind dumbed down. I needed something to numb me. I ended up at a bar. It was noisy and rowdy. Perfect. I kept my eyes on the bar in front of me, listening to everything around me.

 It started with one beer. Then two. Then four. It seems that's how it always starts. One beer. Maybe if I hadn't been shoving down that hurt and anger for as long as I did. If I had just confronted her about it in the beginning, I wouldn't have hurt her when I did. I couldn't stop the thoughts that come into my head. How I knew exactly where to hurt her, the fleeting moment of pride when I watched her face crumple, followed by the sheer horror of what I had done. If I had only worked things out sooner. If I had only talked to her about it. If only...  I downed another bottle, desperate to get these thoughts out of my head. Yet with every drink they seemed to grow. It wasn't until that I had finished my 6th one that the sweet bliss came. My thoughts became too scrambled to comprehend and I was completely drunk. The alcohol had numbed me completely and I couldn't feel any of it anymore.