Void

Ch. 18- Blame

In the distance someone was approaching my room.  I sat up on my mattress as best I could and waited patiently for whoever would be arriving.  Claire came up to my gate within seconds and gave me a smile.

"Come on Danny, we're already late for breakfast."  She said sweetly in a still slightly raspy voice.

I don't understand how Claire can be sweet and gentle one minute and arguing with a group of girls the next.  Maybe that was just her personality.  Or maybe it was because she liked me so she could be sweet and innocent with me.  She was tough when she needed to be and gentle when she wanted.

"Okay."  I agreed.  Empty, emotionless, as always.

"Most everyone has already eaten but there's a few stragglers."  She explained.  "Luckily, Audrey and her clan are part of the group that's already eaten."

"Okay."  I said once more.

I'll never understand why Claire bothers to talk to me while I'm a void.  It's not like I care about anything she has to say.  I know she does it to make me feel more comfortable around her and so I know that she is okay with me, void or not.  However, I can't help but notice the thick presence between us, this undeniable blockade around her true feelings.  What were they?  Was she just as much like the others, or were her words and feelings true?

I wish there was some way to get into another person's mind.  To see what they see, feel what they feel, hear what they think.  I want to know what it's like to be Claire in this situation, but such things are impossible and there is no reason to dwell on such human-like thoughts.

Things like wanting and wishing are useless.  Everyone should be grateful for what they do have and just accept that there will always be someone who has more than them.  That's what we voids had been taught our entire lives.  That is if you would call this living.  Is it living?  This emptiness?  This hollow feeling?  This void inside me?  The void that consumes me, like a black hole that cuts off all light- all emotion-is that living?  This jumping from pill to pill just create the same feeling as before.  Is this life, or is this simply existing?  I suppose it doesn't matter, after all when did anything matter in this world?

We walked into the food court to see it mostly empty.  Kelsey sat at a table biting at an apple.  Beside me Claire gasped and ran to the table.

"We have fruits?"  She yelled in excitement.  Kelsey smiled and nodded at her, pointing to the counter.  The counter had four metal bins with strawberries, grapes, cantaloupe and apples.  "Oh my god!"  She shrieked as she placed a handful of grapes on her plate.

I sat down at the table with Kelsey.  She was watching Claire with a smile on her face and a look of amusement twinkling in her eye.  Claire sat down beside me and plopped a grape into her mouth.  She threw her head back and moaned as she chewed.

"Do you know how long it's been since I have had grapes?"  Claire asked us.

"Too long?"  Kelsey guessed.

"Yes."  Claire responded as she took a bite of a strawberry.  "Oh god."  She moaned.

"You're going to have the whole resistance over here with your moaning."  Leon said as he walked towards the table.  He took a seat between Kelsey and Claire.

"I can't help it."  Claire defended herself.  "How's Daniel?"  She asked after she swallowed.

Leon shrugged and placed an elbow on the table.  He rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes tightly.  After a moment he stopped and sighed.

"He won't talk to anyone.  He won't work.  He just sits in his room staring at the wall."  Leon explained.

"Is he eating?"  Kelsey asked.  Leon raised his eyebrows and shook his head in response.