How I Fixed My Pathetic Self

Part 4

4:11 AM

Sleep is still a laughable matter at this point. I still don't feel the slightest bit fatigued. But I noticed, some may find this gross but it may or may not be related but, even after urinating and not drinking I find myself needing to go again.
And again.
And again.
Every 30- 45 minutes I'll need to go again. (I know.. TMI) But, because I'm lazy and enjoying NCIS, I end up holding it till it's an emergency. Which, I know isn't healthy but I do it anyways, knowing what it could cause. I'm also aware that is could have nothing to do with the ecstasy and it's just my body being a weirdo again.
I still enjoying touching the skin on my stomach, pacing my finger tips up and down from my bust to my hips.
I'm also still using my top lip to play with my septum ring but, now that I think about it, I do that sober too... it's just became more frequent after I took the drug.
But, I finally stopped using my toes to rub the bottom of my feet but now my legs can't stop moving. But that could just be me. I love self soothing. The small shakes and the repetitive jerk of my ankle, which causes my leg to follow in a softer manner, is quite relaxing. I do it all the time while I'm sober too.

4:40 AM

It's been 5 hours since I've taken the blue ecstasy with a dolphin carved on the top and I noticed that walking around feels almost.... surreal. It's what I imagine walking around in a dream would be like.
But a good dream.. not a night terror.
I already know what it's like to walk/run/crawl/limp in those. It's nothing like this. Everything looks normal... it just feels like you're, well, walking on sunshine. And man, it feels good. You feel like you can just dance around the world and when you look back, the whole world will be dancing with it. And then.. just because, I actually did it and turned around, cursing myself because I really thought the world would be there grooving too.

I'm glad there isn't school today... or else I would be fucked.
Since the new year started, I've told myself that I'm not going to skip, I'm not going to cheat, I'm not going to smoke weed before school because I need to focus... it's just now the third week and I've already destroyed the simple, "normal kid" goals (normal enough) that I've set to try and better myself so that I can rely on myself later in life without drugs.
Well, to be fair, I already knew I was going to break the 'no cheating' goal almost as soon as it made it.
But it sucks I cheated on something that I knew, without a shadow of doubt, that I could do by myself.
But enough of school! More about this drug.
I was going to mention this before I got off topic, but, you know, I got off topic. It'll happen a lot and probably already has happened many times. (like right now).

But I noticed that my adrenaline is pumping, which would explain why my hands were trembling before, and still are. My heart is beating, not fast or hard enough for it to raise red flags but enough to make me wanna fuck shit up. Which is strange because unless I'm angry, I'm generally a peaceful person. I try my best to avoid conflict but when conflict does surface, I take the mature route to fix it (not hitting, no unnecessarily yelling and childish name calling) or at least I do everything in my power to do so.
I don't think I like the adrenaline I feel... it feels almost like anxiety for me.. but the kind that leaves you tortured between "You're going to have an attack" and "You're fine, you're overreacting"... it's nerve racking and it's, so far, my least favorite thing about the drug.
We'll see if it stays that way when I come down, which is doubtful.