How I Fixed My Pathetic Self

Part 3

3:10 AM
I noticed that I can't stop using my top lip to rub my septum ring. I'll catch myself doing it.
The ring is slightly big, which my father thinks is too big for my face, but I like it even though he's right... it hangs too low but only slightly. I guess its just not feminine enough for him.

Anyways! The small silver balls at the end of the piercing are soft and smooth as I move my pursed lips back and forth, even slightly cold which I kind of liked.. but that soon faded because of my body heat. But I should stop because it always leads to me chewing the inside of my cheek, which already has sores from when I chew on them in school and in crowded places due to anxiety.
I also forgot to note that breathing is normal now, both inhaling and exhaling are normal but I always end up catching myself holding my breath somehow. I don't know why...?
I also noticed that every now and then it's like my nerves shake beneath my skin. But only for a second.
Not even, actually.
It's a very strange sensation... difficult to explain. I can hardly even wrap my mind around the sensation myself.
But you can't see me shake or shiver when it happens... it's like it happens on the inside. It's doesn't feel like bugs crawling on me or feathers tickling my skin.. it feels like my muscles... shiver for literally a split second. I almost can't notice it so it doesn't bother me... just making observations.
I know it's all in my head and that it's the drug that put it there. It doesn't hurt, it isn't uncomfortable, it doesn't faze me.
It's just strange how I'm catching all these new things now that I'm actually paying attention.

The first time I took ecstasy all I could think about was how fucking soft the joint papers were and how badly I wanted to be in bed with Paul(which ended up happening a few hours later.. noice.) But now I'm actually paying attention to how it effects me, without smoking marijuana.
Every time I ever took ecstasy, I smoked before, during and after... which confuses me on which high is which, causing my brain to only feel the marijuana high with the wonderful bliss my finger tips brought to my nerves as I touch anything. It could be weed, paper, the couch, the rubber buttons on the tv remote, my own elbows... it all feels so blissful and just... right.
Sadly, I currently do not have rolling papers to touch.

I wish I could put what I'm feeling right now into fine, distinct detail, down to the very pulse in my veins and how my toes follow along with the beat without a thought of how I'm unknowingly staying on beat with every heart pump without fail. I know that's what I'm trying to do but I feel I'm not using the correct words to physically describe it.. either that or I can't find the right words to explain it all with. Funky.

But I can only give you thoughts, feelings, and what I notice. For all I know, so much more is happening... I just don't notice because it seems so normal because, well that's what drugs do.

If you're reading this and you haven't taken ANY drugs in your life... KEEP IT THAT WAY, you're not missing anything. Because if it weren't for weed,
I wouldn't have tried coke (which sucks. -10/10),
I wouldn't have done trams (which is okay until you come down. Then your head us pounding. For me, bad come downs= place on the 'do not do' list,)
Anyways, I wouldn't have done those pills at school and I wouldn't be making this about a drug that I shouldn't be doing. Stay clean, please.
Because although they feel great and they make you forget, you find yourself unknowingly relying on them. Waking up and smoking, relying on the fact it'll make it easier for me to cope with the day because I'm not strong enough anymore... not like I used to be, smoking before I go to class, relying on the drug to make me focus and do my work because I'm not as bright anymore.. my memory is shit. I always forget what I'm talking about as I'm talking about it, smoking before I eat, relying on the drug to make me hungry because I can no longer feel hunger without the intoxication.
You can no longer rely on yourself to do anything without something as small as weed giving you a push. I'm not addicted. I don't get addicted.(but it sure does sound like it...)I can do a drug for months and drop it like a side hoe who doesn't give head. But I rely on it to make my day better and more manageable because I'm too weak to do it myself. Don't do what I did. Don't do what I currently do. If you want to do drugs, make sure you can rely on yourself first.. waking up, going to school, focusing on work, dealing with situations that can be puzzling because if you don't, you'll find yourself trapped in and cage made of pills, powder, and grass, all causing you to become weaker and weaker so you can't rely on yourself to open the cage you're not supposed to be in and walk out without permission. (the permission is granted by drugs)
Wow, ecstasy makes me think a lot more... most of the things I wrote I didn't even know about myself until I wrote them. I didn't know I relied on drugs (99% of the time 'drugs' is just a fuck ton of weed. But it's still a problem) to get me through the day, or at least to get me through the beginning of it. I don't like the path I see myself on and yet... I can't bring myself to change it because

I'm afraid I'll break in the process.