On Tour

Chapter 46- little things

It's night, I should be sleeping, but I can't bring myself to sleep at all. Maybe it's the new mothers jitters, or maybe it's becuase I got a lot on my mind. I get up from my hospital bed, although I don't need it anymore the hospital provides me with it so I can sleep here with Amara. I sit up, and let my eyes adjust to the dark room. I stand up dizzily and start to tip toe my way around josh, Tyler, and Jenna, all of which are sleeping on cots. I open the door, trying not to let it creek to much. The sudden burst of the sterile white lights in the hall way, sends shooting pains throughout my eyes. "Arggh." I mutter, rubbing my eyes. I take the hair tie from my wrist and through my dark hair up into a pony tail. I quietly walk my way onto the elevator, pressing the 3rd floor button. I don't know if it's becuase I'm sleep deprived but I can hear every noise on this elevator, from the motor running, to the creaks, to the noises of the floors I pass, maybe I'm just going insane. *Ding* My stop. I walk my way off the elevator and walk in front of the dark neo natal unit. I slowly open the door, luckily this door doesn't creak. Also luckily the only source of light in this room is a few lamps and the blue and red heating lamps. I walk past the babies and there is only one other mother here, I smile at her and it doesn't look like she has gotten any sleep either. I get to Amara's crib and seems although she isn't sleeping either. She's really fussy, "Don't worry," I whisper, gently picking her up out of her crib, "Momma's here." I whisper, sitting down on the chair next to her crib. I move her blanket off of her chin and lips and it seems like she's sweating, "No wonder you can't sleep, you're too hot!" I whisper, starting to unwrap her from her many blankets. I get the last one off and wipe the small beads of sweat from her forehead, "All better. Mom gets really hot at night too, must be in your genes." I whisper, tickling her little stomach, she smiles and coos. "Uncle Tyler was right about one thing, you do have my smile." I say touching her little nose. Maybe Tyler was right about the other thing as well, maybe it's not to late? But I have a husband, who I love very much and a baby, who I'll do absolutely anything for, is it to late? I look down at Amara, "What do you think baby? Should mommy go back to the Cleveland clinic." I whisper, bouncing her around. She seems tired, "Wanna her a story?" I whisper in a kiddish voice, she coos, and I melt. "Back when I first started my internship at the Cleveland clinic, I had a patient who was 10 but her disease made her about the size you are right now. I was, you know, causally changing her bandages, becuase the disease she had also made her have open wounds all over her body, pretty gnarly right? And I had felt horrible for her, and considering this was just my first few days as an intern, I didn't really know how to hide my feelings yet. So she had said to me and I'll never forget, 'I know you feel sorry for me, you have that same pitiful look I get all the time. Quite honestly, I'm glad I have this disease. It's taught me to become more mature than others my age. Kids my age, and older, take the little things for granted, I've learned to see beauty in everything. I've learned to enjoy the little things like sunsets, cold water on a hot day, books, family, friends, other things that other people don't look at.' And then she had went on and on, but the moral of this story is that, it was at that moment that I knew I didn't want to be like the others. I realized my little small problems like, not being able to afford the new makeup product I want, or not getting the new 'booty' shorts fashion trend, or my hair looked flat today, were nothing compared to the disease this girl had. And it wasn't even her disease that made me begin to think that way, it was becuase she was understanding this and was much wiser than even the common adult is...." I take a breath, looking down at my baby, "That's how I want you to be. I want you to be strong, in case anything ever happens. Becuase life,.... life is a bitch, and will try to bring you down every second. Also don't repeat that b word, that's a bad word. I also want you to admire and get a high off of the little things in life. Don't worry, I know we're going to half to have this talk again becuase of three reasons. One, your brain is only the size of a walnut and you wont remember this. Two, your asleep. Three, I know your asleep because your drooling on me." I whisper and finish talking. I wipe the drool off of my hand and onto one of her blankets the hospital provided, I then take that same blanket and wipe the drool from her mouth. I smile at her, I like listening to her breath, it reminds me of the moment she wasn't breathing and how I'm so lucky she is now. She starts to snore, and its so fricken adorable, I tilt her head back a little and the snoring comes to an end. I smile down at her, touching her little chin. I kiss her on the forehead, standing up, I lift her into her crib. I then, reach down into her baby bag under the table and grab a small, silky, pink blanket. Josh bought it a few weeks ago for her and it smells like his musky cologne. I sniff it and smile, I then lay it gently on top of her. It's silk so it shouldn't be too hot. I then drop down onto the comfortable, cushiony, blue chair. I'd go back to my room but honestly I feel better off here, with Amara. I look at my little angle, dreaming away in her crib. I just wanna know what's on her mind, see what she's thinking about right now. Ahhhh, to be that young again, no worries in the world and care free. Given she doesn't know any of those words yet, hell she doesn't know anything what-so-ever yet. I start to close my eyes, feeling every bone in my body start to rest. This situation could only get better if, "Hey," I hear a familiar voice, slouching down into the twin chair in front of me. "Are you still awake?" He whispers, my eyes still shut I say, "Now I am." I open my eyes and sit up a bit. I really want to tell him what's on mind, about possibly going to back to medical school and becoming a second year intern, but I have no idea how to bring it up. "Is she asleep?" Josh whispers, reaching his hand between the bars, stroking her resting body. "Yeah, I JUST got her to bed. Poor thing was sweating to death." I say, doing the same thing as Josh. She starts to fuss and Josh stands up, reaching over the crib, and gently picking her and her silky blanket up. "Shh, Shh, it's okay baby, daddy's here." He whispers sitting back down with her. As he's looking down at her, I can't help but notice he seems tense, if so something is on his mind as well. I reach over and grab his hand, rubbing it with my thumb, "Is everything ok?" I say looking up at him, he's still looking at the baby, but then looks at me, "Yea, I just have a few things on my mind." He says, "Ironic, really. Becuase I do as well." I say, leaning back into the out house sitting position. I wonder he has on his mind. I laugh, he gives Amara the same look he gives me, the one that means, I love you around the world and back again. "I say," I start off, "On the count of three, we say what's on our minds." I say, he looks up at me and agrees. We count down by three, never breaking eye contact. We don't whisper, and in unison we say, "One.... Two..... Three!" "Will you and Amara come on tour again next year?" "I'm thinking of going back to medical school." Well....... fric.