Daddy, I Love You [Brendon Urie]

25: It Was Always You

BRENDON'S POV

I went to bed that night shaking from the horror that was my current life.

The next day was prep for the tour. I still hadn't told anybody except Breezy about Emma. Kenny and Dan were in the dark.

Dallon showed up, but with bandages on his wrists and a permanent sad expression on his face. The dude was traumatized.

I came in, trying to act as I usually would, but the usual happiness and passion I had was gone. I couldn't do tour, I just couldn't. I needed time to get over my loss. I'm going to say the same thing for Dallon.

"Dallon, you alright?" Kenny asked once Dallon slumped over and stopped responding to the room.

I sighed. "Guys, there's something you don't know." Shit. I had had to explain Emma's death again. And this time, in front of the guys.

Kenny sat his guitar down. "Obviously. And why does Dallon have all those Band-Aids?"

I shook my head. I couldn't just say, It's a long story, and be done. I had to actually tell the story. "Some events have happened in the last two days..." I began, trying to keep the lump in my throat under control.

"What?" Dan asked from behind the drum kit.

I went on, shaking slightly. "Emma. She, she-"

"She's dead, alright?" Dallon chimed in from across the room. He lifted his head up. "Emma fucking died, guys."

My mouth fell open as everybody stared at him, and then back at me. "Uh, what Dallon said is true," I started, keeping my eyes on him. "Emma was murdered...uh..." My head was spinning. Visions of her came and went as my eyes were still on Dallon. He looked small, cold, hurt.

I felt small and cold and hurt, too. I also felt dazed as I stumbled out of the room to find a bathroom. I needed to be alone.

I locked myself in, and sat on the toilet seat. My shaking fingers ran through my hair and I put my head in my hands. Deep breath. Deep breath.

I couldn't calm down. Tears were rapidly building up and began to spill from my eyes.

There was a knock at the door. "Go away," I mumbled.

"I said that to you, but you came in anyway." a soft voice said. It was Dallon.

I opened the door slowly, and let him in. He instantly hugged me. "Sorry man," he said, his chin on my shoulder. "I just lost it yesterday."

"I know," I said through my tears. "I miss her so much."

"I know," he responded. "You loved her to death."

I shook my head, which was resting on his chest. "I still do, Dal. Remember that." I felt like a dad all over again, and I started sobbing.

I heard Kenny and Dan in the doorway. They hugged me from the back. "I'm so sorry," Kenny told me, quiet and mellow.

I cried for a while before I broke from them, sniffling heavily and wiping my eyes. "I can't go on tour. I'm sorry, I can't."

"I understand," Dallon said, looking at the ground. "I'll call Zack for you."

I nodded. They all hugged me before I pushed them away. "But one thing," I said. "I want to go to the LA show in two days and explain."

"You sure?" asked Kenny. I nodded again.

*at the show*

I was side stage, listening to the crowd chant various things like our names and "Panic!". My stomach was turning.

I stepped out and felt the hot stage lights burn down on me. Hundreds of faces and screams greeted me as I looked out at the fans. I couldn't see most of them past the first few rows because I didn't have my glasses on.

It broke my heart what I was about to break to them. At least they got to come. Nobody else gets a show.

I cleared my throat, and took my mic from the stand. The stage was unusually empty because none of the band's equipment was set up. Just a lonely mic stand.

"Hey guys," I said into the microphone, noticing that the happy expressions before me turned more into confusion. I wasn't my usual ecstatic, energetic, ADHD, Red Bull drugged self. I was calm and quiet, a real rarity of my existence.

The cheers died down as the crowd prepared for me to talk. "Um, I am here to tell you an announcement. There will be no tour this year." I winced as the shocked faces below either shouted things or sat back looking utterly sad and disappointed.

"We have recently had a, uh, death in our family, and we are taking a break from our musical professions," I continued on, trying to ignore the yelling and the "Aww"s.

I glanced at my bandmates, and they motioned for me to go on, looking sorry as ever.

"My daughter, Emma, has passed away," I said, choking up. I took a breath, and continued. "She was shot by some despicable kidnapper and has left this world..."

I walked back to side stage where Dallon handed me my acoustic guitar. As I walked to center stage, a crew member put a stool down. I sat down on it, and rested my instrument on my knee.

"But since you came, I think you deserve one song." I scratched my head, trying my hardest to focus on everything around me. I started to strum different chords. "This song is dedicated to my beautiful daughter, Emma."

The music carried on as the introduction was played. I took a deep breath before I began to sing.

"When the world gets too heavy, put it on my back, I'll be your levy. You are taking me apart like bad glue on a get-well card..."

I felt hot tears run down my cheeks as I sang the song. I felt so weak, but I carried on.

"I'm skin and bone. Just a cane and a rusty throne..."

When I finished the song, I wiped my eyes, got off the stool, and left the stage. The band took me in their arms because I started sobbing as soon as I stepped off stage. The crowd was cheering, probably louder than I've ever heard them before.

I could feel in that moment how how proud Emma was. She was smiling down on me, giving me the strength to go on.

"Let's go," I told my friends, and we went home.

I had a smoke that night, under the stars. I remembered when it was Emma's birthday, and she sat with me. I looked over at the empty seat next to me, and imagined she was there.

She was a beautiful girl.

___________________________________

I feel really proud of this book tbh

Probably not my best though... idek

- Cat