Drown (Markiplier x Reader)

Chapter 15

Trigger warning: mentions of self-harm and mentions of suicide

A day has passed. You're now in solitude, which is a single bedroom, a bit smaller but definitely not too small either. You have gotten somewhat used to the room but really miss being around people. Especially Jack and Felix and Andy. You hope you can go back out some time soon and you really don't want to be there any longer.

You think back to yesterday, when Mark kissed you. It confused the hell out of you, but you can't deny that you liked it. You know you liked it, he knows you liked it, everyone does. But it confuses the hell out of you.

Did he like it? Did he even mean to do it? Was it an in the moment thing? Was it even supposed to happen?

You keep thinking yourself into oblivion. You know it's not healthy but you can't help it.

++

Day two passes by like a breeze. You think about everything, still. The kiss won't leave your head. You're still as confused and quite frankly, you want answers. Now, it's a matter of Mark giving you answers or not. You're not sure on what will happen.

Your mind travels to your friends. You remember how much your friends all care for you. Well, all but one. As time passed, you pondered over your friends and just how much they matter to you. Then, you remember that friend. The one who broke you the most without trying. Tracy.

You and Tracy had a long history. Known each other since 3rd grade, 8 years old. You two had gone to the same elementary school and had stuck with since. You guys went to middle school together. You had known Katy in elementary but split ways in middle school. While in middle school, you and Tracy became a lot closer. You two were best friends and, quite frankly, considered each other sisters. Then, that's when stuff went down.

She began to date and you were happy for her, but over time, she slowly stopped hanging out with you and more with her boyfriend. She got into a lot of arguments with you too. She would get mad at someone and take her anger out on you, calling you all sorts of names, and you wouldn't have that. You did not tolerate that from anyone, especially not someone who was considered your sister. But, you'd always apologize first. Arguments became a big thing, so you two stopped talking. 8th-grade year started you both went on as if you didn't know each other. You then became depressed with every passing day. You missed your best friend, your grades had been slipping, more friends had left and there was nothing you could do to stop it all. Your teachers judged you for being different and for your poor grades, but what they didn't understand is that you felt as though you had the weight of the world on your shoulders, making it hard for you to focus and to do anything normally. Your parents became disappointed in you due to your grades slipping, seeing that you'd always been the straight A student prior to that. You'd rather have them mad at you than disappointed in you.

Then, that's when the self-harm kicked in. You got tired of feeling empty and you got tired of the monotonous feeling of constant numbness. So, you wanted to feel something. Anything.

The first time was scary, you cried all night. You never did anything like that and it scared you that you were suddenly able to do that to yourself. But you convinced yourself it felt good. So, you kept at it.

You went on to your freshman year of high school and that's when you became friends with Ally. You had known Ally since 7th grade, but didn't become close friends with her until Freshman year. When Freshman year came along, you thought Ally would've made a good friend, someone you can trust and so, she instantly became your closest friend. You got reunited with old friends you hadn't seen in years and you made a couple of new friends and you had a solid friend group. Family life got worst, everyone was being fake and shady. One sibling would talk bad about another behind their backs and vice versa. You, once again, were the black sheep, watching all the hate unfold and couldn't do anything about it. You kept cutting and, it became a regular thing. There'd be days where you couldn't even make it to one day clean. It was go home and cut, go to school the next day and go back home only to cut more. Slowly, Ally began to reveal how much of a slut and how much of a crazy bitch she was.

Normally, you didn't have a problem with people being promiscuous. In fact, you have always been a sex-positive person once you had an understanding on what sex and sexual things were. You always used the word 'hoe' in a positive light. Being a hoe was an okay thing. Not being a hoe was also an okay thing. But, the terms 'whore' and 'slut' had different meanings to you. You disagreed with 'whores' and 'sluts'. Ally fell in the 'whore/slut' category. A new boyfriend every month and a backup guy she'd talk to. She'd "fall in love" easily with everybody she talked to romantically. She cheated on everybody.

She faked depression and even attempted to kill herself all for attention. You would never doubt her motive at first, but then she told you and she started showing off her scars and told people openly she tried to kill herself. It angered you, because you hated how freely and proudly she spoke of it, as if she was happy she tried to kill herself while others truly want to die for actual reasons. Obviously Ally needed help, but not what she was getting help for. She is crazy. When you came in here, you wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was somewhat better than she was freshman year, but obviously, she's there for a reason.

It was around Christmas time, you had broken your leg the day before and it was the last day of school before Christmas vacation. You were all alone at lunch in your theater class. All your friends had ditched you and you felt lonely and depressed. You cut and swore that would be the last time you'd ever do it.

Ally moved schools and a year passed by. December of Sophomore year, you had reached a year clean. You had difficult classes that year and you were constantly tired, you were constantly having breakdowns, anxiety attacks and panic attacks. Family life was only getting worst. The only up was that Tracy and Katy were friends with you again. You were somewhat happy. Tracy was proving to be better as a friend. Late January came around, and you threw away a year and a month clean. You stayed clean for a couple months and threw two months away. Slowly, Tracy began talking to another boy and began ditching you all over again.

You slowly came to the realization that she only wanted you when she had no one and it hurt you. You stopped talking and one night, you had enough. It was a night in early August and you threw away another 5 months clean. The next day, she tried getting back into your life, and as always, you made the mistake of letting her back in. Then, came the night you tried to end yourself.

You think about it all.

"I deserve better than this." you say silently through your tears.

××

How are you guys? Anything cool? Sleep well? Eat anything today? Keep up with your hygiene? I love you all !! ❤

I started both my new half day school and my regular school two weeks ago. So basically, I go to my regular school for three class periods (i have an open fourth so im happy about that, helps me get work done), and then I go to the other school and do the rest of my studies there, but I'm learning environmental science there, so it's really fun (not everybody does this, just people that get accepted). I met a cute guy there and he's so adorable and omg I have a new crush, so essentially I'm over my initial crush on the person from here. Here's the one problem I have there, the girl that Ally is based on goes there. What I said about Tracy and Ally is all real and so basically Ally goes to that school with me. I blocked her so she wouldn't find me, and she still found me. Besides that, it's all been cool. Anyways, im rambling.

ALSO, THANK YOU ALL FOR 4K + READS !! THAT'S 200+ READS EACH CHAPTER HOLY CRAP !!

I hope you enjoyed, please leave feeback.