One Life To Live ( A Princeton Love Story)

Bravado

*GINGER*

The pitter patter of rain outiside my hotel lulled me into quiet numbess.

Backspace, backspace, backspace. Once I started a sentence, I always erased it. I had arranged the logic in my head so that it would only make sense not to start up another discussion with Jacob. To pour out all my truth and only receive a short "okay" in response would have stirred the worst in me. And I could never get the words out in person when I could barely get him to look me in the eyes.

He adopted an odd habit of quoting rappers. When I asked him questions, "I get it, I get it," he always groaned. If I hadn't known any better, I would've thought he had been spending time with Drake himself.

The distance was becoming more evident, but I was motivated to overcome the emotional pit of it.

"Message read at 12:30 a.m." . It was deliberate disregard. He knew I was hurting, and he didn't care to reply. I knew this only because I heard the rest of the clan return to their rooms; Riley's authoritative voice toppled over Ray's indistinct complaints and Roc's mumbling trailed closed after. Work hours were done for the night.

Jacob wasn't busy.

I struggled to readjust myself into the routine of being without Jacob. Whenever my cell phone gleamed, I hoped it was text message from him, ready to make everything right. And it was never him. It was always some unimportant notification or some junk mail. I was suspended into an awkward space between resentment and absolute need for attachment. I faced the ultimate challenge of training myself to be comfortable when the circumstances were the exact opposite.

This suspension catapulted me into a loop when the thought of Travis floated into my mind.

I prepared a message for him: "What's the worst addiction?" I pressed the "Send" and the conversation commenced.

He replied after three minutes: "The worst addiction seems to be social pressure."

I asked him: Can that be translated as the addiction to acceptance from the wrong people?"

Travis: "Yes, in most aspects."

I replied to him: "I was always thought that addiction was foreign to me until now. Never has anyone been able to mold me so easily, and now that doesn't seem to be the case."

He said: Perception is key. If you felt that most couldn't change you, some might have seen that as you being stubborn. But the next person may have thought that you were only being individualistic.

I ask another question: "When it comes to me, how do YOU perceive it to be?"

Travis replied: "It doesn't matter nearly as much as your own perception of yourself. Find your own bravado."

I sent a quick message of graditude, ended the conversation, and said good night to him. That dialogue gave me a temporary peace of mind, and didn't bother to check for Jacob the rest of the night.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: My apologies for the long wait. School is priority. Comments are very much appreciated. Thanks so much for reading.

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