soft light » joshler

burning.

preview / tester chapter thing for a book I have a plot for. I'll either write this one or make rain boy into a full story.

in a way, he supposed, josh hated tyler. the way the his eyes twinkled brighter than the stars, as if they had nothing better to do. how his touch was a drug, blowing through his veins with an electric burning that left him with half-lidded eyes and a need for more, despite how it lit his gasoline blood on fire. the way he smiled, his slightly imperfect teeth on display, lips pink, and how he was simply beautiful. wrenchingly so.

but hate was just another word that meant love in his mind, the two words so intertwined with the passion and heat and destruction that was their relationship that they'd been reduced to one and the same. his heart never knew what to feel anymore, flipping and twisting and breaking every time tyler kissed him or cried for him or lay sweating and out of breath on the bed below him. he was addicted to the rawness and uncertainty of their relationship, the drug like lust and love and need that they had for each other.

and yet they both lived on a precipice, knowing it was there and ignoring it, too busy looking into each other's eyes to notice the fall. the fragility of their love made it so innocent, and yet so wrong. and it broke so many hearts along the way that the shards paved an almost-road for them to dance upon, blinded by each other's fire.

josh stood in front of tyler's dorm, his hands twisted and still stained with a little paint, his eyes filled with a watery uncertainty. he had just knocked, and he knew tyler was there, alone, through texts, but they had been fighting and he was afraid, and he didn't know whether this time they'd even make up. his mind was caught in endless memories of his best friend, who loved him, but perhaps he no longer did. it had been three months since they'd spoken. an eternity in his eyes.

and when the door finally opened, and there tyler was, clad in a loose tank top, his slender hands tucked into the pockets of his shorts. his large brown eyes narrowed and filled with an unknown emotion as he laid eyes upon josh and inwardly admired him for the first time in too long. and josh could feel his resolve slip, because tyler was so fucking beautiful and he wanted to kiss him more than anything. his throat felt closed, choked with everything he wanted to say but couldn't.  but he got something out.

"I'm sorry," josh said, and he looked away from tyler's twisting expression.
"you broke my heart." he said, his voice too strong, like a thick yet flimsy armor that looks impressive but breaks easily.
"i didn't mean to."
"well, you did."
"tyler, you don't think my heart wasn't broken too? you don't think I spent hours. days, even, crying because you told me you didn't love me? because I do. I love you, tyler, and I don't care if you have a girlfriend, I don't care if you just see me as your best friend who gives good fucks. I love you, I always have, and I always will." josh burst out, his voice filled to the brim with a deep anger and emotion that sloshed out the edges and left acid burns where it hit.

tyler was shocked into silence, his eyes tearing up, and he opened his mouth as if to say something and it got lost in his frantic thoughts. josh's heart lay bare and beating on his arm, his emotions torn out and ripped apart all for him to see.

and so tyler stepped forward because the silence was deafening and so, so filled with everything he wanted to say, and he took josh's perfect face in his hands and kissed him, saying everything he couldn't with his voice with his hands and his lips. he could feel their tears mingling on their faces and taste it, and the kiss was rough and raw as sand and too emotional even to put words down on paper to describe it.

he didn't hear josh close the door but he felt himself get picked up, his lips still desperately molded against josh's, and he felt josh sit on his beat-up old couch, guiding tyler to straddle him. they broke apart, gasping, breathing each other in, their skin covered in acid tears. tyler buried his head in josh's shoulder, sobbing desperately, and he let josh cradle him, wondering why he'd ever left.

"i love you, joshua dun," tyler whispered into his shirt. josh held him tighter, silent, getting tears on tyler's hair, and he felt him raise his head and connect their lips again, and this time tyler sat up, licking a stripe along his lower lip and taking the moment when josh gasped to slip his tongue into his mouth. he rolled his hips slightly, groaning a little.

josh stiffened as tyler slipped a hand up his shirt, his muscles physically tensing as some wave of emotion ran through his body. he forcefully shoved tyler away from him, making tyler stumble back on his lap, nearly slipping off and into the hard floor. he looked up, confused and starting to be hurt, as josh buried his head in his hands and started to let out desperate sobs, shaking.

"I can't do this. you're in a relationship. I can't do this, tyler, what are you doing to me? I don't- I feel, I can't," he choked out, every word a lash against tyler's carefully constructed reality. he didn't want to think about jenna. but he knew somewhere deep in his conscience that he couldn't keep this up. he needed to choose.

this was so intensive to write but this is like a preview for a book I might write?? tell me how it is and I might write the full story sometime.
also are you interested in knowing what I look like because I literally look 12 kms