"Gee, t'anks Professor Sycamore!!" Jack exclaimed, cuddling his new partner Chespin.
"I'mma call you Billy!!"
"And here's your Pokédex. Good luck Sean."
"It's JACK ya moron!!"
"Oh wait, Sean, I wanted to give you another Pokémon."
"Prick."
"Here's the fire type Charmander. The water type Squirtle. And the grass type Bulbasaur. And whichever one you choose will come with a Key-Stone and Mega-Stone."
"Hmmm...I don't know. Which one has the most BOSS??"
"Well, Squirtle will most likely headbutt your nuts so..."
"Squir...tle!!" The turtle looking Pokémon proved it.
"Ooooh, ya lil' fucker. I like you!! You're coming with me. I'll call you Crush. You're gonna help me find Nemo. And then Dory. And we're gonna keep em' a fookin' bowl until their early deaths."
"Here's your Key-Stone, Mega-Stone and Mega-Ring."
"Are ya trying ta fookin' propose to me!?"
"You're special Sean. I can sense great things are headed your way.
"If by great things you mean your dick then...actually...I'll have ta t'ink about that. Let me go on a dangerous journey, get rich, kill a bunch of Pokémon, defeat an evil organisation and get back to ya on that one."
"Good luck on your journey Sean."
"It's JACK for fook sake!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Alright BILLY, let's catch some Pokermons. Hmmm...OH LOOK!! There's one!!"
He ran straight up and stuck his face in it's own.
"What the fuck are ya??"
"Pokédex, what it is??"
"It's a Weedle."
"Wow, it look strong as fook!!"
"Actually it's a piss easy target."
"I'm starting to not like you Mr. Talking device. Anyway, Billy, use tackle!!"
"Che...pin!!"
"Weeeeeeed!!"
"HA, IT SAID WEED!! Fucker must be high!! Alright, Poké-ball GO!!"
One. Two. Three. It opened.
"You jammy little bastard!! Get back here!!"
But the Weedle crawled away...
"AAAARGH, FUCK IT!! I DON'T NEED YOU...THERE'S PLENTY OF OTHER WAYS I CAN GET HIGH WITHOUT YOU!!""
Jack made his way to the next city.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Alright, so I've got four gym badges and my team of five. Billy the Quilladin. Crush the Wartortle. Sam the Dedenne. Bobby the Hawlucha. And Sparky the Jolteon."
He looks confused for a moment.
"I need a sixth...HOLY FOOK, I WANT THAT ONE!!"
He ran over to a guy with black/red hair, glasses and a Damn Fine looking bod and face.
"Uhhhh...can I help you sir??"
"NO BACKCHAT!! I'm gonna catch you."
"Sir, I'm not a Pokémon. I'm a Human, my name is Mark-"
"Not for much longer!! Once I've caught ya, I'm gonna name ya Markimoo."
"That sounds sexual. Sir I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."
"Sparky, use thundershock!!"
"Hey, what are yo-AAAARRRGGGGGHH!! What the fuck man!?"
"Now use thunder fang!!"
"Jolt-eon!!'
"WHYYYYYYYYY!?"
"Okay. Go-Poké-ball!!"
It hit Mark but nothing happened.
"Why the fuck didn't it work...ARE YOU SOMEONE ELSE'S POKÉMON!!??"
"I TOLD YOU I'M NOT A FUCKING POKÉMON!! BESIDES, THERES NO WAY I'D FIT IN THERE!! "
"Well then...guess I gotta make you fit..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ah, Sean, you're back!!"
"It's JACK Professor Dickamore!!"
"So, have you got you Pokémon dream team yet??"
"Sure have!! Look, I got a really rare one too!!"
"Hmm, let's see it."
"Alright, Markimoo, I choose you!!!"
"Markimoo?? Is that even a Pokémo-OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK!!??
"Help...oh god...it hurts..." The Pokémon coughed out blood as his limbs twisted in unknown directions and his bones jutted out.
"Hmm...it's gonna be hard to get him back in."
The Professor was halfway to being sick when Jack slid over to him.
"So about your proposal earlier...the uh, great thing...I thought about and well...if your still planning on marrying me as well...then I'm in. But I'M topping!! I'll be the dominant one in this relationship t'ank ya very much."
With that, he dragged Professor Sycamore upstairs.
Markimoo was still lying on the floor, bleeding from everywhere. Like even his arse. It just goes to show, people are not Pokémon, and your author is fucked in the head.
Also, this is a completely irrelevant one shot. It's just my way of telling you I'm back!!
