Mind Of A Slave

He should have left

I WATCH AMOS closely. He winces as if somebody is about to throw something at him, but he doesn't move away. Jack's Papa's hand rests on his shoulder, steady.

He has a life-changing decision to make. I want to decide for him, but I know that it's his choice. But he can't leave. But it's his decision. But he wouldn't leave me... Would he leave me? Would he ask me to come with him? What if I refused? Would he leave anyway?

Jack's Papa's hand is still on Amos's shoulder and his grip seems to have tightened.

"No," Amos says. It's one word but it causes relief to pour over me like a waterfall.

Finally, Jack's Papa's hand drops to his side. He looks sad but not surprised.

"I'm sorry," Amos says. "I gotta stay here. People need me."

People like me.

Jack's Papa nods. He understands.

"We gone leave t'morrow dawn," he tells us. "We gonna take a small bit a food to fee' us til we can fin' more. The rest is for you an' t'others." He pats Amos and me on the back. "See you t'morrow?"

"Yes," Amos says.

Jack's Papa retreats into his cabin. Amos squeezes my hand. I squeeze back.

Dawn arrives quickly and there's a group of people standing at the gates to wave goodbye to Jack's Papa and the others who decided to leave. They carry one tiny basket between the six of them and the clothes on their backs. Some of them don't even have shoes.

Amos stands with them, talking urgently. Then he gives them each a hug and steps aside as they begin to depart.

Jack runs up to me. His hair is tousled and hands in sweaty strands over his forehead.

He seems unsure what to say.

"Good luck," I say. He smiles, kind of.

"Um... look after Amos, 'kay?"

I nod.

"Thank you," he says.

I look over his shoulder at the straight road, that dissolves into the sky at the end of my sight.

"Where are yous goin'?" I ask.

He shrugs. "To wherever the road takes us, I suppose."

To wherever the road takes them. That could be anywhere. A city. Another Plantation. Or maybe it will go on and on, without leading them anywhere at all, and they'll die before they reach food.

Jack joins the rest of the group and they stand, looking back at us, worry and fear present on their faces. But it's not the kind of worry I was expecting. They seem to be worrying about us, the people who are staying.

I frown, because I understand their concern. They are taking a chance, a chance that could lead them to death or to a whole new life. The rest of us are staying, too frightened to actively change our lives. We are staying, which means that sooner or later we will all die. It's a fact, not an estimate.

They are potentially saving their lives. We are ending ours.

I look at Amos. He is tilted forward, one foot in front of the other, as if any moment he will take off running. His expression is sadder than I've ever seen it before. I can only partly sympathise with his pain. It must be so hard for him.

The only family he's ever known is walking away before his eyes.

The people at the gate watch their backs until they can't see them anymore, but still they watch. They watch the space where they walked, maybe waiting for them to come back. Maybe wondering if they should follow them, as the place where the green meets the blue is so inviting and is filled with so many oppurtunitues. I don't know.

Amos shoots me a glance. He's asking me if he's made the right decision.

I want to tell him that he was right to stay with me, but I can't, because I'd be lying.

He should have left.