Mind Of A Slave

Hot and Flustered and Angry

IN THE MIDDLE of the day I walk back to the cabins with Amos and Hannah. Amos doesn't look at me and as we walk, Hannah glances apprehensively at him.

We reach my cabin first. I slip inside to retrieve my cornmeal. There is only a small amount left, which means that almost a month has passed since I arrived at the Plantation. Soon, we'll be getting our food rations for the next month.

Amos and Hannah are waiting for me outside the door, but I don't hurry. I turn in a circle, looking around the room as it rolls past my eyes. I imagine leaving the place I call home, the cosy atmosphere of the cabin, the bustle of people waking in the morning, the friendship of the bed sheets under my body. I don't understand how Amos could want to leave a place of familiarity for a life of increased danger. Why can't he wait until the war is over? Why can't he bare the pain for just a little while longer? I don't understand.

As I leave the cabin, Amos grabs my arm. I open my mouth but he speaks before any words spring from my tongue.

"I ain't stayin' no longer."

He releases my arm and turns his back to me. He doesn't beg me to come with him. He doesn't say goodbye. He walks away.

I want to call out to him. I want to say something that'll change his mind, but all I can say is "Amos!" and I know that I sound pathetic and I don't even know if he can hear me because he just keeps walking and walking and walking. I want my thoughts to transform into words that will tie him up and pull him back to me.

"When's he goin'?" I ask Hannah desperately.

"T'morrow."

"You's goin' wid him?"

She doesn't reply.

I stare at the back of Amos's head as hard as I can until my eyes begin to ache. My body fills up with hurt. I am hot and flustered and angry and the alligator necklace is a cold metal lump on my burning skin.