The Reality of Now

Five

As I sat in the back row of the courthouse, watching a judge talk to my parents, it was all I could do not to break into tears.

There was my whole world ripping itself apart, and I had to watch.

Sachi sat a few rows ahead of me next to her fiancé, Kenzou. Her head was resting on his shoulder, and every few minutes he would whisper something I couldn't hear, but Sachi's shoulders always moved up and down as if in a calming breath.

Meanwhile, I was alone. I kept picking at my fingernails, desperately doing anything to distract this torture. It felt like there was a monster in my stomach, tearing at the different parts of me until I was a heap of nothingness.

I wiped at my eyes for the umpteenth time. Sure these last few years with my parents hadn't been so great, but we were a family. We were always supposed to be together. Now my mom and I didn't even live in the same house. Sure, she was the one who cut the final chord by cheating, but she was my mom. I loved her, no matter how much I didn't want to.

I stared at her, sitting at the front next to her lawyer. She looked tired and overworked. A coffee mug with a lipstick stain sat in front of her, growing cold, but she made no move to touch it. Even though I couldn't see it from where I was sitting, I knew there was a dent on her finger where her wedding ring used to sit.

My father still wore his.

When Sachi and I were little, he would tell us that our mom was a princess, the most beautiful of them all and the only woman he ever loved. I would climb into Sachi's bed, hugging my teddy bear tight, and he would sit in the white and pink rocking chair, always telling us a new story of the two of them every night. Now I'm not sure how many of them were real, but my mom was always there, leaning against the doorframe, stirring a cup of tea and listening, with a smile that once seemed permanently etched on her face.

The idea of love not lasting forever was still so new to me. My parents were getting a divorce, for crying out loud. And the boy I had been dating for almost four years broke up with me. I still couldn't help but think about how pathetic we were. Akio and I were never in love, so I don't know why we stayed together. Sure, we made sense, but I was starting to realize that relationships, with anyone, needed so much more than that.

As discussion of more legal things came up, I carefully pulled out the second Harry Potter book from my purse. Ruby had leant it to me after I finished the first one. I liked them a lot, but I think that even if I didn't, Ruby wouldn't give me a choice but to read them all. I was just over halfway through this one, so I opened it up to where I left off and started reading, putting all thoughts of the divorce out of my mind. It's nice how books can do that for you.

The squeaking of the benches being released from their stress as people stood caused my head to snap up. I hastily shoved my book back into my purse and got to my feet.

I tried to weave my way through the crowd and out the doors as quickly as I could, but just as the warmth of the sun found its way onto my skin, I felt a sharp tap on my shoulder. I repressed a sigh and turned to face my mom. We were actually the same height, but she wore five inch heels that allowed her to look down at me literally as well as figuratively.

"Hey mom," I managed, my voice small. Every fibre of my being was hoping to escape this conversation as quickly as possible.

"Saya," she said, her voice as authoritative as ever, "it's time for a talk."

All I wanted was to revert to the age of a toddler so I could throw a tantrum and get out of talking to my mother.

She started to examine her new manicure, a clear indication she was impatiently waiting for me to agree.