Hayden

Chapter Twenty Eight

Hayden

While Jamie spends an extra night in the hospital, I am given time to myself to think. Jade continues to blow up my phone, and I continue to ignore her. I think about what would happen if I were to go back to Chicago and see her. It would be dangerous, but it is the only way the two of us will get closure. 

I feel bad about ignoring her because I know that she is only worried about me. I sometimes wish that I had never even met her in the first place because then this wouldn't be as much of a problem. 

Ever since the accident, I have built up more walls. I feel as if I am growing tougher and stronger, and I am not as afraid of Zephyr as I had been. If anything, I am most angry with him, and I find myself hoping and wishing that he would find me so that I can finally end this once and for all. 

To me, this entire ordeal is quite irrelevant, being that it was not my fault to begin with. I feel immensely awful due to the fact that Jamie is now in this mess with me. She has been through enough in her life, and this is only making it worse. 

When the thought about Jamie being in this mess with me, I think that maybe all of this stress is what caused her miscarriage. It breaks my heart to think about it, and I can't help but wonder if that had been my fault. I know Jamie would disagree, but that is just how I feel. 

My hands begin to shake suddenly, and my heart pounds heavily. I think about going out and drinking for the rest of the night, but eventually decide against it. If Jamie finds out that I left and got drunk while she was in the hospital, she would be more upset than she already is. 

Soon, I decide that I cannot take the feeling of my anxiety anymore. I have been trying so hard to not depend on alcohol or cigarettes to calm myself down, but it had just not been working the way I had hoped it would. I stand up from the couch and walk to the doorway where my coat is hung, and grab my half empty pack of cigarettes and a lighter from the pocket. I then walk across the living room and outside onto the balcony. 

After lighting the cigarette and trying to keep the smoke out of my face, I breathe in and out deeply, soon feeling a bit calmer than I had a while earlier. The burning end of the cigarette is very bright against the dark night sky. 

I shake my head and flick the long line of ashes off the railing of the balcony, and cough when the wind picks up and blows the smoke into my eyes and nose. I silently curse to myself and throw the rest of the cigarette off of the balcony. I watch as it slowly sways to the ground, and when it disappears into the blackness of the night, I sigh and turn around to face the glass sliding door. I press my hands against the railing and lean back, closing my eyes and sighing. 

I begin to think about what would happen if I were to throw myself off of this balcony. Part of me hoped that I would break my neck and that the impact would kill me, but another part only hoped that it would break some bones and land me a few more weeks in the hospital. At least then I would be able to escape reality for a bit longer, and I would be somewhere that was safe.

I press my lips into a straight line and open my eyes, then push myself away from the railing. Killing myself wouldn't solve any problems, it would only cause more. Especially for Jade and Jamie. And nonetheless, it would mean that Zephyr won. And I will not let him win. 

As I walk back into  the apartment, I feel my body grow more and more tired. I decide to grab a glass of water and fall asleep, but my ongoing thoughts never allow me to rest for more than an hour. I set my cigarette pack and lighter on the counter, then head into the living room and toss myself onto the couch. 

I cannot stop thinking about her. 

I pull my phone from my pocket and scroll through the text messages from Jade. I ponder the idea of giving her a call, but I am interrupted when I hear loud knocking at my door. I furrow my eyebrows and set my phone on the cushion next to me, then stand and walk to the door. I look through the peephole, and find a man in a nice suit. I look at my wristwatch and form a concerned look as I unlock the door and twist the knob. 

"Listen, I'm not interested in whatever you're selling so—"

Before I can finish, I am grabbed by the front of my shirt and yanked out of the apartment.