Hayden

Chapter Five

Jade and I laid on my bed, our breathing finally steadied. She rested her hand on my bare chest, and commented numerous times on how heavy my heartbeat was. I tried my hardest to not say anything; the guilt had started to eat me alive. 

What have I done?

"I think you should go home now." I mumbled, causing Jade's head to snap up. The thick strands of her hair brushed my face, and I blinked the sting away.

"What?"

I sighed, my lips parting briefly. She needs to leave now, or I will go insane. "It's for our own good." I said, still not making eye contact. Jade's eyebrows furrowed. She sat up a little more, giving me leeway to grab my shirt and pull it on.

"What are you talking about, Hayden?" she asked rudely. I squeezed my eyes shut and threw my head back against my pillow.

"Just please." my voice beamed throughout the room, making her flinch. "Don't have to be such a dick." she muttered, shaking her head. I mentally apologized and moved my arm over my eyes. I could feel her getting up off of the bed, and before I could say anything further, she was gone. The front door slammed and I flinched, but did not move.

"Fuck!" I screamed.

...

I woke up to the bright sun pouring in from my bedroom window. I squinted and placed my arm in the air to block it from blinding me. I could feel a breeze and noticed that I had left the window open during the night. I sat up and yawned. Dew droplets littered the windowsill and I wiped them away with the hem of my shirt.

I opened my bedroom door and walked down the hallway into the living room. The temperature had risen and the center of my apartment had warmed up since last night. My stomach rumbled, forcing me to drag myself into the kitchen. I forgot I hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday.

I tried to open and close the cupboard doors as quietly as possible. I had an excruciating migraine from last night, and I could barely see straight. 

Before I could find any food to satisfy my screaming stomach, I found myself walking to the freezer and withdrawing an ice pack. I pressed it to my head and cringed at the pain that shot through my skull.

No more drinking for a while.

I felt bad for the way I had acted toward Jade, but she could not stay here. There was no way I could keep her here, knowing the danger I could potentially put her in. I liked her, fuck, I really liked her, but I couldn't have her. I couldn't have anyone.

By the time I had gotten to thinking, I had completely lost interest in food. I hadn't eaten in over twelve hours, but my body was used to hunger. I was in too much pain to be worried about food, anyway. 

I stumbled out of the kitchen and into the living room. The sunlight made my headache worse, so I closed curtains in an attempt to darken the room. I dropped my body on the sofa for a moment and gently leaned my head back on the couch pillow. Being steady relieved a little bit of the pain.

For the first time in a long time, I had actually felt extremely calm. It was like I was in a whole new world. My thoughts finally cleared, and I could see nothing but an abyss of pure nothingness. 

This made me joyful.

I hadn't been happy in a long time. I had almost forgot what it felt like. I cannot remember the last time I saw myself smile, or heard myself laugh unless I was drunk off my ass.

I took this time to reminisce and think of new ways to do my job. It is sick, and I know it is, but it needs to be done. So much, I had wished that I could have a companion, but I knew it would only put me in danger, or worse: jail. Nobody understands it the way I do.

My phone had begun to buzz loudly on the coffee table, making me balk up. Sitting up so quickly gave me a head rush, worsening the pain. I threw my hand up to my forehead. "Jesus... Christ." I groaned, throwing my legs over so that I was sitting upright.

I leaned over the space between my body and the coffee table and grabbed my phone from the surface. A green icon showed up on the screen, indicating that I had a text message. The number was not saved into my contacts, so it only showed up as an area code and several other digits. I unlocked my phone and read the semi-long text message.

Hayden. It's Jade. I texted my phone from yours but forgot to save the number, so I'm sorry if this is really creepy to you. I was thinking about if I should text you or not, and I obviously decided to. I just wanted to say that what you said to me this morning really hurt me. But it's okay, I'm used to guys just using me. I deleted your number, so you don't have to ever talk to me again. Hope all is well.

I tossed my phone onto the couch and rested my elbows on my knees. I threw my hands on my face and rubbed it. I contemplated texting her back, but thought of what it might lead to. I shook my head, and even grabbed my phone a couple times in the process. 

No, Hayden. You can't have her. You can't have anyone. 

I contemplated going for a walk, but my body was too sore. All I wanted to do today was lie back and relax. I replaced my body in the lounging position it had been in before: head resting on one arm with a pillow, and legs elevated on the opposite. I threw my arm over my eyes and tried to doze off, but my brain would not allow it. Half of me was encouraging, "Stay put. Leave her be." but the other half was screaming, "Go find her!"

I threw my legs over the side of the couch, grabbed my phone, and stood up. 

"Fuck you for making me do this." I mumbled as I stomped out the door.