Surfacing

Chapter 5

It took the better part of an hour for me to calm down enough to speak coherently. Rachel had rushed me out of there as quickly as she could and  brought me home. I watched her now, hiccupping softly and dabbing at my eyes, it was as if she had never left. She bustled around my kitchen, making tea...grabbing biscuits...plates, cups....I smiled softly before remembering what happened and instantly felt like crying again. I held it in this time though.....just.

''Sarah......'' I looked up to see Rachel watching me with concern so plainly stamped on her face that I calmed a little more. I didn't want her to worry, I didn't want to be her burden. I had to convince her I could cope to prevent her from going to James. So, I gave a small smile, sat up straight and got myself together as best I could. ''Sarah, I don't want to upset you again but I want to know why you didn't contact me? you know I would've been there for you'' Rachel sat across from me and looked me dead in the eye. '' You know I would've dropped everything to be at your side. You're my best friend aswell as family, I would never have let you suffer alone.''

  I was shocked to see a tear slowly make its way down her left cheek, ''Rachel please don't cry! I'm sorry i'm such a screw up, i'll do anything, i'll get help, i'll do something just please don't tell James!!'' Rachel wiped her eyes and gave me a very confused look which as she spoke turned quickly to anger....''What are you talking about Sarah? Tell James what? That you're depressed....that you need support and not ignorance and isolation?! That sad excuse of a man needs to know exactly what he is NOT helping!''

''But....'' I couldn't believe my ears. She was condemning James, not me! I thought she saw me as the bad one, the sad, sorry excuse for a woman, wife....mother. ''I thought you blamed me too'' I told her. ''What?!!  Are you kidding me right now? Where in the hell did you get that idea?!'' Thinking about it, I actually don't know. I thought back to the cafe, spilling my heart out, her words to me after.....did I mistake her? Did I take a meaning from them that wasn't there? It seems I had, for Rachel was looking at me as if I had grown an extra head! '' I don't know, I guess I....'' I trailed off not knowing how to explain it.

''Let me guess Sarah, you decided I was going to do a James and turn on you? You do realise how insulting that is, to make that assumption knowing what you do about the sort of person I am? How could you NOT know i'm on your side?!'' Rachel rushed over to me and wrapped me in the most warm, comforting hug. I couldn't help it, I teared up again. Not majorly like before but, softly, comforted and relieved beyond measure that I had an ally, support. I wasn't alone.