Surfacing

Chapter 3

Six weeks later and nothing had improved. I have been finding it increasingly more difficult to keep up the facade of happiness to friends and family. James has been pulling away slowly but surely to the point of falling asleep on the bed in his office for the past month. The children haven't copped it yet but it's only a matter of time.

I've been losing my temper more lately, it's like what i'm trying to keep locked up is escaping in bursts when i'm at my most stressed. When I try to shut off my emotions now, it doesn't work anymore...it seems i'm losing of it all.

The only thing that hasn't changed is ability to sort out other peoples problems......if I can give such good advice...why in the hell can't I sort my own?! No answer to that......just silence inside my head...deep and ominous....as if it's an answer I don't want to hear.

I have been goin through the motions lately, running on reserve and just existing.....hectic days with my children, quiet, cold evenings when my husband is home from work and long, lonely nights in a bed made for two. It's so repetitive that it was almost soothing at first....now I can barely stand it. I crave comfort from a source so unwilling that he prefers a spare bed to our own. Who barely speaks a word unless it's to dismiss or diminish.

My head is so full, it feels like i'm drowning and I can't fight it.....I need to make sense of it but it's all moving too fast for me to grab hold of something to anchor myself. Dear God i'm going crazy with the need to stop it all!

''Mum!'' Gasping, I am dragged from my terrifying thoughts by the shout of my daughter. 'Leanne is calling me', I tell myself....'time to get a grip, don't let her see you like this'. ''Yes?'' I answer but, even to my own ears my voice sounds weak. ''Mum, Maggie is here!'' Darn it I forgot she was calling over! ''Coming hun, just tell her to put on the kettle and i'll be right there.'' Time to gather myself....I go into the bathroom upstairs, shakily wash my face and fix my hair. Looking into the mirror I paste a smile on my face that seems natural and genuine. I'm ready to greet my dear friend, see how her problems have been and reveal none of my own....after all, can't have my problems on top of hers can I?, it would be unfair of me.

An hour later Maggie leaves, as I watch her slim, dark haired figure walk out of my house, I feel the painful smile slip from my lips and my straight shoulders slightly slumping. I can finally drop the act. She's fine now thank God.....i'm happy for her, truly. I just wish I could have her happiness, her relief that problems are past.

That night in bed, alone, as was becoming the usual, I made a promise to myself. I would take my fate into my own hands. I would not wait any longer, I would not stall....I was going to fix my life, my marriage, my mind and my emotions....or die trying. I would die slower, more painfully....if I continued to stand by and watch myself fall into the nothingness of depression. I cannot let it win, I must surface from this hell within myself.