The Art of Becoming Stridersexual (Homestuck JohnDave)

Chapter One

Your name is John Egbert and if given a gun, you are 99% sure that you would shoot yourself right now.

You are sitting in Algebra 2, right behind your best bro Dave Strider. This is fun, because whenever your teacher has his back turned you poke Dave in the back of his head and watch him stiffen, too cool to turn around and risk looking as if it bothers him. However, 80% of the time Mr. Wilson's back is not turned, and you are listening to him drone on and on about the laws of exponents. While you don't understand a word of what he's saying, you do understand that there are far too many of these laws and none will ever be useful to you. With this logic, you focus your attention on your doodle of the cake for your future wedding with Liv Tyler, with the occaisonal poke to the back of Dave's head, interupted every now and then by a blow on the back on his neck.

After what feels like 5 hours of this, the bell finally rings, not a moment too soon. At least, that's what you think until Dave gets out of his chair and turns his attention to you. Even though his eyes are concealed by his shades, you can sense his death stare.

At a height of 5' 11", Dave's a solid 4 inches taller than you. His lanky beanpole figure appears to be scrawny, but you know that he can pin you down for hours. 3 hours and 17 minutes, to be exact. His hair is the lightest shade of blonde you've ever seen on anybody other than a baby. Of course he's never dyed it. He's too cool for that. His hair is just naturally that blonde.

His most prominent feature is hardly even noticed by you anymore, however. Atop his lightly freckled nose sits a pair of reflective aviator shades (the same pair worn by Ben Stiller!), your gift to him on his 13th birthday. Dave's shades are a part of who he is, as natural as a pinky finger or an eyebrow. They are really what makes Dave Dave. He's worn shades since kindergarten, and according to him, even before that. Save for his twin sister, Rose, nobody has ever seen Dave's real eyes. That's just the way it is.

Dave's low, relaxed voice brings you back to your senses. His usually even tone turns into a hiss in your ear.

"I'm going to fucking kill you Egbert."

You laugh. Dave's not really upset, you know this. You grin up at Dave. "You'd miss me too much."

"The only thing I'd miss is taking your food." Dave grins right back at you. You know that he'd really miss you, if you did go.

On that note, the two of you walk out of the classroom together and down the hall to your lockers, just like every other day. Dave's locker is across the hall from yours, which is insanely convienient for both of you. Last year you were in completely seperate buildings, and man, was that a hassle.

Walking down the hall the two of you discuss the Algebra lesson, just like every other day. Dave is a lot smarter than he cares to admit, and could be taking trig this year if he wanted to. But he didn't. Which is good, because most of the time you need someone else to explain the material to you.

Books stashed away and lockers locked, the two of you proceed to the best period of them day: lunch. Right after you walk into your school's low-budget cafe-gym-atorium the two of you head straight for the lunch line to avoid what will soon become a group of harsh elbows and clumsy feet.

"Man, is that even edible?" Dave asks you as you grab your trays. Today's poison is a slab of meat on a bun, just barely passing for a hamburger, and some fries that you know will taste like soggy cardboard.

"We'll have to find out." You watch as the lunch lady gives you your "food", and grab an apple. The apples are usually alright. So is the orange juice, you think, so you grab a carton of that.

"Three dollars is way too much for fried shit," Dave murmurs to you as you pay for your food. You can't help but snort, earning yourself a look from the cashier.

You step away and wait for Dave to pay. "You're paying it," you say as the two of you head to your table.

Dave scoffs at you. "I still don't know why you pay for this. Your dad's food's fucking orgasmic. But still, you cough up fifteen dollars a week for overpriced trash."

You don't exactly know how to answer that without admitting to Dave that you're too proud to tell your dad that you need his help, even in this minuscule way. You offer him a vague, "whatever," and sit down next to him at the table.

Rose, Kanaya, Vriska, and Jade are already seated at your circular table when you arrive. Predictably, Rose and Kanaya are practically sitting on top of each other, they're so close. Those two starting dating the summer before sophomore year, and they've been together ever since. Jade's wolfing down the hamburger and fries. For some reason nobody will understand, she truly likes the cafeteria food. Vriska's sitting in her usual seat next to yours, idly chatting with Jade about your school's basketball standings this year (surprisingly good).

As soon as you sit down next to Vriska, Dave on your other side, her head snaps over and her eyes seem to light up behind her glasses. Her square frames are similar to yours, but the left lens is darkened, because she's blind in that eye.

You and Vriska had a small eighth-grade romance, one that shouldn't have meant anything three years later. Vriska seems to think differently. As Dave puts it, "She's like a spider, trying to lure you into her web of love." Whatever. Vriska's cool.

Vriska's harsh drawl snaps you back to your senses. "Hiiiiiiii John!" You quickly regain your composure and smile at Vriska. "Hey! How's it going?"

"Borrrrrrrring. We've been stuck on Egypt for weeks in ancient civ." She rolls her eye. "How're you?"

"I'm great!" You're not lying when you say that. You really are great.

Just then, Karkat and Gamzee sit down across from you. Karkat and Gamzee are almost as close as you and Dave. Almost. Their broship is actually pretty weird. It's more like they... complete each other? Kinda like they're dating, but platonically? You dismiss this unimportant thought and smile at Karkat. "Hey Karkat!" Your smile falters a bit when you look at Gamzee. You tolerate him, since he's one of your friends, but he's definitely not your favorite person. "Hey Gamzee."

Dave smirks at Karkat. "Hey Kitkat." He nods at Gamzee. "Gam."

Karkat scowls at Dave and forces a smile at you. "Hello John." He puts emphasis on your name, almost as if it's an insult.

The rest of the table greets them, and Gamzee returns the gesture. Karkat harshly acknowledges them, which is normal. He's usually in a mood.

Jade starts asking Karkat for his fries, which reminds you that you're hungry. And this "lunch" of yours just isn't working. You slide your hand across the table and grab some snickerdoodles from Rose. She glances at you, but quickly returns to her discussion with Kanaya with only a small nod of consent in your direction. You grin and take the cookies, handing one to Dave.

"So, Egbert," Dave turns in his chair to face you. "Going to Peixes's tonight?"

That's right!! January 17th, Eridan's birthday. His sister, Feferi, is throwing him a surprise party. It's not like he isn't expecting it. Conceited assfish thinks he's all that. Well, he is pretty cool when he's not hitting on you.

"Can you pick me up?"

"Not if you're gonna ask like that."

You pretend to fall onto Dave's shoulder. "Oh, Mr. Strider, would you do me the honor of escorting me to Eridan's prestigious birthday party tonight?"

Dave pushes you off of him and stands up with a grin. "It's a date." With that, he goes to throw away his untouched food.

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A/N: I'll be the first to admit that Vriska's intro sucked, as did /a lot/ of the dialogue. I'd really really appreciate some feedback, so I know what you think, and some ideas for what's to come! Maybe some pairings that you want to see, cameo appearances from OCs, whatever! I'd love sugestions! Thanks for reading this far!

~M