11:04 PM
When I arrive at the area displaying fresh fruits and vegetables, I notice a handsome man rummaging through the bananas searching for the perfect bundle. Or, so I assume. I stop for a moment and just stare. Tall. Dark hair. Green eyes. Nice build—just like a model from a JCPenny catalog.
Mmm--men with bananas!
Suddenly my imagination takes over. I play out a scene in my head where I've just walked into the ultimate dating cliché—about to meet the charming prince of my wildest dreams. I can visualize it. We slowly reach for the same bundle of bananas. Our hands touch. Our eyes meet. It's love at first sight. We exchange numbers. We plan a date. We reserve the carriage with four white horses. And—
What am I doing? Setting myself up for heartbreak? This guy obviously takes pride in his appearance—and I look like a woman with an extremely bad case of the flu coming to get salsa after pulling myself off the pavement from a pedestrian hit-and-run accident. Only a total fool would entertain the idea that this man would have any sort of interest in someone like me. Not to mention the fact he's currently fondling bananas. It's an image that subconsciously makes me realize there won't be any clichéd magic moments in the produce section tonight.
The Banana Fondler looks up and catches me staring absentmindedly. If I was 20 years old, I would've been mortified. But since I'm a woman of a certain age, looking like hell in front of the opposite sex no longer fazes me. I know how this fairy tale ends. It's never in my favor. It wouldn't matter if I was all dressed up or looking like I do now—the guys I want are never interested in me.
I've been cursed with the Goldilocks Dating Hex. Whenever I find a man that's "just right" for me, I'm never "just right" for him. I'm never his baby bear. I'm either too much like a sister or not like a member of the tribe enough. Too independent or not detached enough. Too much personality or not outgoing enough. When all's said and done, I'm made to feel as though I'm not enough. Baby Bear isn't "just right".
Right on cue, The Three Tiaras in their finest glitzy fashions strut through the produce section and give the handsome Banana Fondler a flirty wave. Animated hips swaying like catwalking supermodels. Yep. I've just been Harry Pottered. An invisibility cloak has officially been thrown over my head causing my entire body to vanish from sight. Handsome men are no longer aware I'm in the room, except in cases where infrared goggles are being worn. Which, unfortunately, isn't very often.
I watch in undetected silence as the man who was my imaginary Prince Charming just moments ago turns into a barn owl hungry for mice. Whore mice. Instead of produce, a swollen banana has taken over Banana Fondler's cravings and his owl head swivels 180 degrees on his neck to ogle the three rat rumps swaying out of sight. What a BaManaDick.
A wave of disappointment washes over me, shattering my short-lived daydream. For the first time, I totally sympathize with that nursery rhyming Farmer's Wife. I get where you're coming from, Sestra. Right now, I wanna cut something off with a carving knife too.
Banana Fondler casually follows the rat pack as the three women disappear around the corner. Like the nose on Pinocchio, I imagine his blue jeans banana must be growing as he gets closer to his prey. He's just like all the other players I've met in my lifetime—a self-puppeting puppeteer pulling the strings to become whatever his latest conquest wants. Men are all the same. Liars and cheaters. In fact, Him-Poke-You-YO has probably been with so many women in his lifetime he has to bring his pal, Shimmying Dick Vet, to look after his woodie. Stupid insects. Go crawl back into the roach motels you came out of!
sigh
Well son of a witch! Two minutes into my New Year's Resolution and I've already failed. The force is strong with my inner Evil Queen tonight. She turns Prince Charming into a flying monkey and Perspective Genie is nowhere in sight to help me out. It's going to be harder than I thought to defeat the Queen Mother Effer. This New Year's Resolution attempt will probably require some guacamole, too.
Speaking of witches, where is my Fairy Godmother anyway?
*********NACHO BREAK*********
[sighs] How do I get this invisibility cloak off so my Prince Charming can find me? Leave some suggestions in the comments below! I don't want to be single forever!
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