Sonder | ✓

Fourteen - Loneliness

After Angelina spilled everything, I realized she never told that story to anyone before. I mean, you could tell from the way her shoulders relaxed after she was done, how her eyes softened, how she let out a deep breath as if she'd been holding it for so long.

She was dying to spill it out yet something was holding her back and I cannot say that I don't know what it is.

Because I do; it's loneliness.

And I've been through it.

Now I don't mean this figuratively, you can be surrounded by tons or few people that really care about you yet, you'll still feel lonely. The feeling will hit you most likely on your roughest days when you realize you have a lot of feelings and emotions bottled up that you're literally begging someone, anyone, to force the words out of your mouth, but that's when anxiety strikes.

You start finding it very difficult to decide whether it's okay to share these emotions with your friends, your best friends. Because, what if they don't get it? What if they judge you even if it's for one second before brushing away the thought? What if they start pitying you and treat you differently? What if they don't take it seriously?

What if what if what if?

I cannot deny that I love Noel, Melanie, Jason and Lauren to death. They've been my best friends since diapers and all but there are certain details I prefer to keep hidden from them. I want to tell someone about it.

But what will Angelina think? She'll probably think I'm a horrible person, which I am.

I better not speak about it.

"So enough about me, what about you?" she asked snapping me out of my thoughts.

"What about me?"

"Yeah, tell me, what brings you here to the café everyday?"

"Just chilling" I shrugged trying to play it cool.

"Just chilling? She asked raising her eyebrows.

"Yeah"

"You know what, I just spit a mouthful of stuff about my personal life, which was very hard by the way considering you're the first person I confronted this to-"
HA! First person, knew it.
"- and when I try to get a glimpse at your life you just reply with 'just chilling' like yeah what about you go chill by yourself at your own table?"

She was angry, super angry.

"You know what, forget it. It was a mistake anyway, I've kept this to myself for so long and everything was fine I'm so stupid to think for just one second that talking about it would make things better."

"You know it did."

"What?" she asked exasperated.

"Talking about it did make you feel better" I challenged.

"Yeah maybe but I regret it now so yeah thanks for nothing." She was gathering her stuff now.

Angelina was leaving and it was my fault this time.

Shit shit shit.

"Angelina wait" I stood up so quickly I almost lost balance.

"I have things I need to get off my chest too, it's just that I'm," I stopped not sure if I could say the rest.

"You're what Erik?"

"I'm a horrible person okay? If we compare our stories, it would be clear as day that I'm the bad guy here and it's okay, because I totally am. I just don't want this to change things between us because if anything, it's one of the few things that keeps me holding on" I say way too rapidly that I'm pretty sure she didn't get anything I just said.

"Wait what is it that keeps you holding on?" she said holding my gaze.

Her eyes, her goddamn eyes.

I could literally write poems about them.

It's official, I've lost it.

"This," I said gesturing to nothing in particular "our friendship".

"Well, it my duty as your friend to deal with whatever shit you're about to spill, so spill" she said smirking.

She really has no idea what she's getting herself into.

"Fine" I said my pulse quickening by the second.

"It all started when my dad killed my sister"

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I know I should've updated yesterday but I was traveling, but I'm back now and I'm gonna work on some editing because as I said, I'm not entirely satisfied.
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