Till All Hours

i. today's hard

chapter song: You Should Know Where I'm Coming From//Banks

The house was too quiet. The first day of school was supposed to be full of music and Hazel popping in and out of my room to see if what she was wearing was okay and if her hair was better up or down. The house didn't smell like breakfast either. It hadn't since Mum had started to take on more business trips. Dad was accepting more clients supposedly.

Time would only tell. Uncle Benji and I had only gotten back two days ago. And, when I'd gotten back school supplies were placed neatly on my bed and new clothes were hung up in my closet while many others had been taken out. I had been tempted to go in Hazel's room and see if anything had been done in there, but there was dust on the door knob and the door was still shut. The poster of Yale's bulldog was still proudly displayed.

I wished Hazel was here to tell me shorts and a t-shirt wasn't proper first day attire.

After deciding it wasn't worth trying to figure out my hair and only doing really minimal makeup, I'd settled on ripped up boyfriend jeans, Birkenstocks, and a flimsy graphic tee. Mum knew what I liked to wear. She paid special attention to those sort of things, but not to how I was coping while across the pond. I suppose it's fair. It isn't her fault that I chose Benji in my time over mourning over her.

I grabbed my bag from beside my door and wished that the summer had been a lie. She would walk out any second and look me right in the face with a grateful smile. The day would be ours. We would both be seniors. She had dreamed about this day and made sure I knew how excited she was every second of every day. The excitement sometimes wore off.

Dad was sitting in the kitchen was a cup of coffee and freshly buttered toast while reading the paper. I had always made fun of him for reading the paper because it was such an outdated form of news. Today, however, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Partially because I was hungry and the other part was my best friend wasn't here to goad me into it.

I never thought I could miss someone more.

"How'd you sleep?" he asked.

I didn't.

I grabbed an apple from the fruit basket and tore into it. He was patient enough as I grabbed a thermos from the cabinet and poured the freshly brewed coffee into it. When I didn't put any sugar or creamer into it, he sighed. Apparently, how I wanted my coffee was answer enough for him.

"We can get you into the doctor, Hayley," he said as I leaned back against the counter. He was looking at me over the top of his paper with his reading glasses sitting low on his nose. God, I hadn't realized his hair had grayed so much while I was gone.

"I don't like pills," I replied.

"Next week if it gets worse," he said as if my comment wasn't enough to deter him.

We ate our food in silence until I decided it was time for me to go. I walked outside and hopped into my jeep. This would be the first time I've driven in the states since the accident. I had to face the reality that my life was going forward and she was going to be missing permanently. So, I started the vehicle and was cautious as I drove toward the school. The black jeep was a car that people were sure to recognize and some would even point out. And, they did.

I jumped out solo and made my way up to the school. People cast me the looks that they would if they had just found a homeless animal in need of help. It took everything in me not to turn around and go back home.

I didn't need their pity. For fucks sake, I needed my sister.

The friends that Hazel and I had run with since our first days in school were in their normal place outside our lockers that had been deemed ours. I was greeted with pity-filled smiles, especially from Kat. There was always something about her that I didn't like, but I let it go for my sister's sake. They were on the swim team together and bonded over that.