Deep {COMPLETED}

t w e n t y - e i g h t

Riley Green

I was pushing the cart down the grocery aisle, pretending to be looking at what was in the freezers, but my mind was somewhere else.

"I love you." I had said. Did I mean it? Of course I'd meant it, but now that I'd said it out loud I couldn't help but second guess myself. Now that I'd put it out there, I was terrified.

So far in life I'd done my best to avoid utter tragedy, just continue on with reckless behavior and never mind the sadness life had to offer. Who needs tears when you have slutty clothes and alcohol?

However, now that I'd openly proclaimed my love for someone, that someone being Ian Walker (not just a regular someone, a very special someone) I felt as if tragedy was unavoidable. What's a girl to do?

I wasn't paying quite enough attention to where I was walking and rammed my cart into another person's, jolting them.

"Oh shit, sorry, I didn't see-" to my surprise, it was Kathy. As in, 'trust without lust sex therapy abstinence nazi' Kathy, she gave me a dull smile.

"It's fine, Riley. Haven't seen you in group therapy for awhile, hope you're doing well." She said.

"Yeah I've been good." Does an existential crisis about love and constant self-doubt count as good? "I've been meaning to go to therapy, really." It's true that I didn't always enjoy it, but I wasn't avoiding it on purpose, I just got busy. There were only a couple weekends left before the summer and the program were over.

"Well I'm glad you're doing well, hopefully I'll see you next week?" She said, and began to push her cart away. Something came over me, a new desperation, and I couldn't stop myself in the moment.

"Wait!" She turned back around. I swallowed all my pride, which is a lot to swallow, even for me. "Would you maybe want to get a cup of coffee and just ... chat?" She gave a meek smile and nodded.

We found ourselves at the café across the lot from the grocery store, sitting at a table with a coffee in both of our possessions. I anxiously sipped mine, in hopes that she would fill in the conversation gaps. She didn't.

She just smiled sweetly at me, she'd never been sweet before. I could only ever see her as Kathy who yelled at us for having sex and lectured us about STD's.

"So..." I started, not even sure what to say. Why did I even invite her here?

"Why did you invite me here?" She echoed my thoughts. I put down my coffee, I didn't even really like coffee.

"I don't know, I guess I thought you could help?" I said, sounding unsure of myself. She squinted her eyes in confusion.

"Help? Riley Green is asking someone for help?" She said accusingly, I blushed, she didn't have to rub it in.

"You know what, never mind, this is a bad idea." I told her, standing up from my chair to leave, she grabbed my arm.

"Wait no!" She yelled, I sat back down. "I'm sorry, it's just that, you're Riley Green, and you never need anyone's help." She said sincerely.

"I know, pathetic isn't it?" I mumbled, mostly to myself. "It's just, there's this thing and when I ran into you I felt like maybe you would be the right person to talk to about it."

"So..." She said, waiting for me to continue. "What is it?" She inquired.

I took a deep breathe and sighed.

"I love someone, very much, and I have no idea what to do about it." I blurted out. She sighed and sat back in her chair.

"Riley, loving someone is a special thing. When that person loves you back, in the same way, it creates a bond that is so powerful a lot of people don't know what to do with themselves and end up destroying that bond in the process." My heart began to race.

"Right, that's what I'm afraid of. It's just, I thought love was supposed to feel good but I feel so scared and confused and afraid. I'm so afraid. It feels good, and bad, and I don't want to ruin the good when I'm just trying to get rid of the bad." I sounded like a crazy person, but Kathy just sat there calmly, like I was totally normal.

"Riley, the only thing that could ruin this is your fear. You can't be afraid to love someone, or you aren't fully loving them." She stated. I contemplated for a moment, unsure of what to say.

"Okay," I began, "what about sex?"

"What about it?" She countered.

"Well in therapy you make sex out to be this terrible thing that will ruin every relationship and your life, I'll have you know that Ia-my...boyfriend and I, have great sex and it's great. Like really great. And it doesn't hurt our relationship." I crossed my arms, waiting for her counter.

"Riley have you ever actually listened in group therapy?" She asked. I shrugged my shoulders, which meant no. "I've never made sex out to be a bad thing, I think sex is great! Sex addiction is dangerous. But I also think sex with someone you don't love puts your heart in danger." I was baffled. I was actually understanding her, she had some good points. I hated to admit that she was right. I hated not having all the answers myself. "Quite honestly Riley, sex with the right person is the greatest bond you can have." I nodded my head, understanding what she was saying. It was silent for a moment as I took it all in and traced the table with my fingers. Kathy sighed and leaned forward, folding her hands on the table.

"When I was 21, I was engaged to a guy who I thought I would be with forever, and then we had some problems. He was out of town or not around and I had this demanding physical need, but the one person I was, quote on quote, 'allowed' to have physical relations with was never there. So I began to break the rules, I cheated, a lot. In my heart I wasn't doing any wrong, I still loved only him, but I wasn't taking my actions into account. When he was around, all I wanted was sex, I was addicted to the feeling." And now she runs a sex addiction therapy course, how inspiring, I thought sarcastically. I couldn't say it out loud, she was being too nice to me.

"We tried to work through it but I had really hurt him, and myself, and needed actual help for this real addiction I had." I shook my head and pointed at her.

"I'm not like that." I said.

"I know you're not-" I cut her off to finish.

"When I joined your sex addiction group therapy pity party I wasn't in a relationship, I wasn't hurting anyone. I was allowed to do what I wanted." I retorted, thinking I had her stumped.

"Just because you aren't committed to anyone doesn't mean no one's getting hurt. What about now that you are in a relationship?" She said calmly. I was frozen.

"Well uh-I" I stuttered, "my boyfriend is the only person I have sex with. So what does it matter." I sounded unsure of myself, because I was. She was throwing me off.

"That's good, he should be. But just know that all the physical elements of your relationship aren't strictly physical, there are intense emotions tied in with them. Sex isn't just sex, it's deeper." I understood, I understood her completely. I stood up and picked up my bag.

"Thanks, Kathy." I said.

"Oh and Riley, don't be afraid to love Ian. Your fear will destroy you. Ian loves you." I knit my eyebrows together.

"How did you...never mind." And I walked away. How the hell did she know.

-

This chapter is bleh, but I needed a chapter.

-S