What I Didn't Know

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I woke up angry. Actually, I woke up furious. I had no idea why either. I just wanted to punch someone in the face and hard. I turned over to see an empty bed. It had been slept in because the sheets were tousled but not warm. Xavior must have had a really early day. It was only 6 am and he normally didn't leave for work until seven. 

Somehow, in that moment, I didn't feel angry. I felt broken. As broken as the day I was born.  

When I turned eighteen I left my school, my family, I didn't even have any friends. I enrolled myself at a school here and met Janey. The only girl that seemed to care about me in my final months in high school. I haven't even gone to college. When I marry Xavior I can probably borrow some money from him. He will by my husband. I will be covered in money. I could bath in it if I wanted. With that last thought on my mind I made my way to a warm shower. 

I still used the strawberry shampoo. It was Xavior's favorite on me. Of course, I also still used my vanilla body soap too. And trust me, Xavior LOVED that, if you know what I mean. 

It felt lonely without Xavior the past two days. He had been busy before Seiko arrived and now I am going to rarely see him and I knew it. 

A part of me wondered...is this what it would be like for the rest of my life? Being here alone, with a baby. I rubbed my naked belly with my hand and took a deep breath in. I was about three months in, maybe a little less, and you could already see my tummy beginning to pop. Truth be told, I didn't really want the baby. I know that sounds horrible but I was not ready to be a parent. I was, in a sense, a disaster. I couldn't bring myself to abort it. Of course, what would Xavior do if I did? He'd be mad as Hell. There was always the option of giving it away. Adoption was fine. I wish my parents had given me up for adoption and just kept Alex. It would've saved me a lot of hassle. Maybe I would have grown up normal if I had been given up for adoption. 

What if I just had an accident. Oops, the baby is gone because you were in a car reck. Too risky, I don't want to die because of a stupid baby. 

At first I had wanted the baby, but as the day grows nearer I realize how much I despise the child. Not that I couldn't learn to love it but I don't think I will ever get out of the fact that this baby is going to control my life forever. Feeding it, bathing it, burping it, changing its diapers, potty training it. I'm having nightmares already.

A nurse maybe? One to take care of the baby. I don't mind being with it but I'd rather not lose sleep with its constant screaming it will be doing at night. 

Of course, Xavior wouldn't help because he wouldn't freaking be here. No, he will always be at work like today and yesterday. It will be ME taking care of the child. ME! Somehow I angered myself more.

I quickly packed up a few of my things and heading out the door to my car. Two can play at this game Xavior. Two can play. 

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I knocked on Kelsey's door and she opened it in seconds.

"Lil...i...an..." Kelsey gave me a questioning look. 

"Hey, Kelsey."

"Oh, come on in." she said and motioned me to come into her small apartment. It had a small living room with a delicate black couch and two matching chair. The glass table was classy, unlike her living space. There wasn't even a door to her room, just a curtain. Inside was a small bed and that was it. Her closet had clothes falling out of the doorway. What a mess. The apartment was finished off with a very small kitchen and bathroom. Tiny, but affordable. 

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