Sometimes things happen when they shouldn't, and sometimes the out come happens to fast and we all lose out.
I don't remember much from what happened, all I remember is being forcefully and physically removed from a car that no longer had any options to break or cut off.
The side of the car that I was on wasn't damaged as much as Benz's side, I for sure thought he was dead. It all happened so fast, I'm still wondering if those were his intentions.
If scaring me was what he wanted to do he did just that, and I don't recall seeing him at all after the accident. Its like we both knew we'd either be hurt really bad or worse...dead.
The airbag is what knocked me out, but right before that my door hit the gravel so hard it indented into the inside of the car caving into my belly.... I lost my baby that day.
His or her little body didn't have the strength to fight through its injuries including mines. My doctor said they were entirely to critical, and my baby wasn't fully developed to its full potential.
How I felt...I felt my child had to suffer from something it didn't do, if anyone should have paid for it; it should've been me. I should've been stronger and stood up for myself before I got into that car.
I should've just told the truth.
When I awoke out of my two day rest, my doctor broke the terrifying news to me. I cried but not as much as I should have, I knew already he or she had died.
The moment the car went up on the opposite side of the freeway, I just knew if i survived he or she wouldn't have, and i couldn't fight for him or her because i was fighting for me.
I had injuries like internal bleeding and head trauma, it wasn't killing me but it was killing me. The doctor said my child died from the airbag impact, it had hit me so hard.
That airbag packed a serious ass whooping, the same ass whooping I had been dodging. Can't remember the last time I had my ass whooped, and then finally one caught up to me.
I deserved that shit to for all i had did...all the pain and confusion I caused, loosing my baby was a punishment a terrible restriction.
I never even got to meet him or her, or to just even see what she or he would even look like.
Never even got the chance to experience the doctor appointment that identified my baby's sex. Knowing that I could not fight for my baby is what broke me before anything else did.
As a parent your job is to love, protect and care for your child...and i failed that. I always did feel like me becoming a mom was to good to be true, I knew something bad would happen.
Benz reaction is exactly how I pictured it, thats why I dragged my feet on telling him. Cash being shot by him is another thing, I never in a million years thought he would shoot him.
It all happened way to fast, but on the other hand I did know that he was very much capable of shooting someone, I just really wish it hadn't been Cash.
It was all my fault though, taking the blame is what I've been doing this whole time. I just wasn't telling anyone what I had did because it was so foul of me.
I know I fucked up, don't nobody have to tell me that. I knew all the choices and decisions I made were dumb, but nobody ever sees why things like this happen.
Everyone is just so fucking blind, and that's what I hate the most.
Benz played me, he lied to me. He was not this real ass nigga that he rant and raved to be, when I did what I did I was not in my right mind. I was in my angry mind...my hurt mind.
